#12 years since my nana died today and as you can see

[liberty-barnes]

Twelve years ago on this day, my world collapsed. You died, and a part of me died with you. So today, I grieve.

I can’t remember your laugh, or the sound of your voice. How it felt when you hugged me. If your hands were soft or rough. Can’t remember how you said my name, or if I ever laid in bed with you just because. The stories you once told me are lost in the mind of a much younger child. She feels that pain with me. All we have is a necklace and the perfume you wore. 

The hardest part of losing someone at such a young age is knowing you never had the chance to get to know them like you wanted to. Ripped away before you were old enough to understand who they were. Left with foggy images and shaky thoughts.

My biggest regret is not enjoying it more, should’ve cherished every moment, milked them for all they were worth, carved that joy into my heart, etched those memories into my very soul where time wouldn’t be able to steal them away.

The greatest injustice was not getting to say goodbye. To hold your hands– were they warm? Or perpetually cold, like mine? –and memorise the feeling of them in mine. To look into your eyes and see the love I have for you mirrored back at me. To tell you I love you one last time, and hear you say it back, tattoo the soundwaves on my chest, right over my heart, so those words would be as eternal as they feel.

I want to tell you everything, show you what I’ve made of myself. There’s only so many one-sided conversations you can have before they become more bitter than sweet. Would you be proud of me? Of who I’ve become? Would you forgive me for my mistakes? Judge me? Berate me?

The truth is, I don’t know. No one does. Only you.

The words “she would” feel hollow. They come from the mouths of those who don’t know, who can only guess and say what will make me feel better. I want to hear it from you, and that impossibility is a hard pill to swallow.

The only thing I can do is hope. Hope that you’re proud, hope that you’re by my side at every step, hope that your light can shine through me for as long as I shall live. Hope that I will mean to someone what you’ve always meant to me.

Because there’s a lot I’ve forgotten, but I will never forget the tea you made me whenever I was sick or upset, the game with the coloured pins we’d play every time we were home, or how you’d roll your eyes every time I said I wanted to sleep on the floor.

My love for you is eternal, unconditional, all-consuming.

Unforgettable.

[dirtfullofwork]

🌸 picnic hangout. 🌸

Pairing: soap x ruz oc x Canon

Summery: ruz and soap have a picnic together! After ruz gives him an invite, but little did soap know that’s not the only place they’re going to visit.

Note: warning, this has some angst and fluff and crap art (click for higher quality)

“Good morning soap, are you up?”

“Yeah. Woke up 12 minutes ago.”

“Do you want to go out 4 pm today?”

“For what?”

“For brunch.”

“Sure, I’m not busy today.”

————

"So this is the place?" Soap asked?

"Yeah,I was told it's a good spot to have a picnic,especially in this weather, so thats why i decided to invite you, and also because I have no friends  " ruz smiles akwardly , the environment was beautiful, it was bright day, the breeze hits both of them.

Ruz goes to a stop and points to a spot, it had trimmed grass so I wouldn't get in the way.

"Look, let's go over there, it seems like a good spot."

"Alright sounda good , lead the way then." Soap responded while nodding.

The two of them sat down in unison. Ruz had a sunflower bag and she placed it down with her, she opens it and pulls out a lunch box, when she opens it, it had four sandwiches.

"Me and my aunt made these together, she made the other two for you since I told her were going out."

"How nice of her...tell her i said thanks." he let's out a soft smile.

"Oh you will..

Soap looks at her silently confused wondering what she meant by that but doesn’t question it.

~~~~~~

Ruz was eating one of sandwiches while looking at the pretty view and daydreaming. Soap was silently wondering how he can break the silence, before he looked to the left and saw a pink flower and he turns to ruz. He turns back and rips the flower off the ground, he takes a look at it before tucking it beneath ruz hair. She turns to soap and looks at him with slight confusion.

Soaps eyes slightly widen thinking he messed up by the reaction of her face and he tries to explain

“I think it looks nice..like you…” his Scottish accent strong.

Ruz swallows her food and smiles before finally saying

“Thank you!”

Soap thinks to himself “thank god.”

~~~~~~~

She finished her sandwiches and gets up and ask

“So, your ready”

“For what?”

“To meet my aunt” she smiles

“Wait we’re meeting her aunt? You haven’t told me.”

“Don’t worry, she’s a good person!”

She chuckles before saying

“come on, she’s expecting us soon”

The two of them head towards the car with ruz taking the drivers seat and starts to drive. And starts to see the sun start to set and she sees the view she then breaks the few minutes of silence by saying

“I grew up here. I know every building in this area by memory, it’s nostalgic.”

She sighs

Soap nods and replies while also looking at they view

“I see.”

She changes the topic by saying

“want to listen to music? What’s your taste?”

“Any song is fine.”

He responded.

Ruz nods and plays pumped up kicks in the radio

Soap turns to see her long hair down..it was pretty..really pretty..it reached her shoulders her brown eyes shined in the sun but she didn’t notice his back to fourth glare due to her being focused on the road, the wind was slightly open letting out breeze in the car.

****

“I lived with my aunt and her boyfriend for years. Wasn’t very fun when I was alone with him.”

She weakly chuckled awkwardly

“What do you mean?” The Scottish male questioned.

She turned to him for a moment, before looking back at the road, reluctantly she responded to his question with a soft sigh.

“He was a really rude man verbally snd sometimes even physically, I didn’t feel safe when I was with him but my nana always defended me and loved and cared for me but years ago he died from skin cancer.”

Soap nods, listening to what she got to say before responding while looking at the road

“Must’ve been really unfortunate, I hope you are okay now,”

Ruz slightly smiles before responding with

“Thank you Johnny for understanding, it’s refreshing to let out my feelings to someone finally.”

Before adding either a completely different tone..a cold one.

“It was just the beginning anyways.”

———

She then took a left turn before finally heading to a small yellow house with flowers planted in the front of the house

She turns to soap

“Here we are? Ready soap?”

“Soap” he questions

“We don’t need to be formal, you can call me Johnny…Sal.”

Sal’s eyes light up and her hair flows with the hair and she smiles

“If you say so Johnny.”

~~~~

Sal walks to the stair and rings the doorbell, she looked a bit stressed as her eyebrows were furrowed a bit. But enough to notice. The door opens and a woman in her 40’s open, she had the same eyes as Sal but she had black long curly hair, she looked flabbergasted.

“Sal,is it really you?! it’s been so long” she hugs her tightly while resting her head on her shoulders

Johnny stood there behind them

Wait a fucking minute…is this her aunt?!

Fuck..it is..

Sal pulls away from the hug, and that’s when the woman finally notices soap and she looks at ruz

“Sweetie, is this your boyfriend?” She asked

Sal was flabbergasted and she exclaimed

“No! Hes..a friend from work.”

Johnny thinks to himself

“Not yet..at least…”

Johnny extends his hand for a handshake

“the names..Johnny..Johnny mactavish, ma’am..”

The woman in the late 40’s chuckles softly, and she excepts his handshake while saying “just call me Martinez”

“Let’s go inside guys” Sal suggested

The three of them head inside in unison and as they walk in Sal says

“I’ll make some tea guys, how about you two talk about each other and know each other” she smiles and walks to the kitchen leaving the two alone

“May I sit here…Mrs. Martinez?.” Soap asked as he points to the red couch.

“Of course, make yourself comfortable young man.”

As Johnny sits down he turns to look at Mrs. Martinez with a gentle face..she looked delicate and a nice woman it was quiet for a minute or two before he broke it by thanking her

“Thank you for the sandwich..your..neice told me that you and her made two for me..I..really appreciate it.”

“Of course, when I heard she was going to hang out with you I decided it be nice to make sandwiches for the two of you, she really deserves some friends. She never got to live the childhood she really wanted..and I feel bad for her..”

Johnny looks down for a moment before looking back at her with a sympathetic face “may I ask what happened?, if your comfortable” he asked with a gruff tone..

Martinez looks down with a sad face and she explains

“she grew up without parents..her mother died from an overdose and her father was never there in her life..and school was tough for her…honestly I never wanted her to join the army. I’m scared of the danger and risk of it or Mabee the risk of death. But she always wanted to be like her mother.. I’m glad she finally have a friend to speak to” her lips tug to a small smile and she turns to Johnny who listens intently.

Johnny lets out a nod

“You must’ve been a good parental figure..she is a..very nice woman and a strong healthy one too…”

Johnny reassured as Sal came back with hot green tea.

As she sat down and joined the two Martinez ask the two “so..how did you two yahoo’s meet?”

Ruz smiles awkwardly and chuckles “it’s a long story nana..”

~~~~~

Martinez was showing soap memory books of sal when she was younger while Sal was on the other side blushing in embarrassment, Martinez points to one photo that took place in 2007 where Sal lost her first teeth and her eyes were puffy from crying.

“This was her when she was seven years old, she cried alot…” she chuckles softly and she shows more pictures of Sal during her childhood and high school years Sal was really embarrassed “nana..stop..” she mutters as she sinks down the couch.

“I refuse” she teased in response

“Yahoo use to watch a lot of horror when she was younger so she use to cry to me when she thought monsters where under her bed.”

Johnny chuckles “oh really now? That’s silly”

“You know Johnny, Sal likes to talk about you.”

“Oh really now?”

The lady nods

“Yes, she likes to talk about you a lot young man, you know she never was the type to want friends at all, especially a boy, she very committed to you, you two deserve eachother you know..”

she said as she blows on her tea and takes a sip. “You should drink this now, it’s getting cool.”

Sal speaks

“ we had our ups and downs with our friendships it is us versus death itself..despite the harsh reality of this hell of a war..he shows empathy and compassion to his teammates..and me..he really is special.”

Soap looks at Sal, his face softening, finding himself vulnerable. But soap thought that he wasn’t enough for her, he was reluctant. He was worried that he would get in the way of her life, and if they do go together he knows how serious she is with relationships and is worried it might not last by their dynamics. But yet there hope. Despite them being opposite..they still fit together like a puzzle peace. There was a warm flutter feeling in his heart.

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“Have you two ate today besides the sandwiches?” The old lady asked

Soap and Sal look at each other

“Well I ate some fruits”

“We ate some fruits..” soap corrected.

“Do you want dinner?” She asked?

Sal responded with “can we have oven chicken with rice!” She exclaimed, she was a fan of her chicken and rice

~~~~~

“So tell me about yourself young man, what’s your favorite color, hobby, holiday, all the good stuff”

Soap responded with a low voice, he was shy but did not want to admit it, he grew sweat behind his neck

“Hm me?”

“Well I can’t really think of a favorite color I never really thought of that…hmmmmmm….. Mabee the same color as the blue shirt I’m wearing, and for hobbies, I like to journal and draw in my free time and for holidays..I’ll go for Christmas because I like the atmosphere, I enjoy the decoration, lights, and the jolly atmosphere and the generosity and giving. I also like winter activities like Christmas marketing and ice skating…and also just because I like winter.” He responded while taking a bite of the white rice.

Sal spoke aswell

“I also like winter better…I don’t prefer summer unlike most people I know in my social circle, it’s just the humidity brings me discomfort and same goes for the heat brings me heat exhaustion and thirst, and the insects. I’m not scared of them there just bothersome and when I was younger it was hard to sleep in my bedroom from the irritating heat. But I had fans.” She bites into the last meat of the chicken.

“Thanks for the chicken” both Sal and soap says

“It’s no problem, I’m great full you ate good. When u was younger I was poor and sometimes skipped dinner, I don’t want you two to suffer the same as I did when I was a kid”

Sal checks the time and it was 10 PM

“Oh my it’s getting late.” She points out.

Soap sat there in the chair.

It’s been a while since he ate dinner with someone and end up with a full stomach…he’s..great-full..? It was a warm scene.. despite it only being the two of them he felt welcomed.

—————

Soap and Sal where on top of a balcony. The view was pretty as the lights shined against the night sky the moon was also crystal bright. As the wind gently breezed Sal grabs a hair tie about to put on her iconic bun before soap said “your hair is beautiful down..in my opinion.” He mummers as his blue eyes gazing at hers with a small spark. Sal smiles ear to ear “if you say so” she responds, changing her mind as she lets her hair flow, she wraps her arms around her legs and a few minutes later of silent pass. The woman glances up at the moon high in the dark sky in front of her. “Thanks for everything today..it’s been forever since I had a day like this…so thank you for today..Sal.”

“It’s no problem at all…I should thank you for expecting my text message.”

He nods

Sal ask “what would you do if you weren’t in the military?”

“Sleep all day.”

“Understandable” she agreed.

“How about you? What would you do if you weren’t in the military?”

“I’d like to be a florist..or Mabee a barber..oooh, Mabee a vet..animals are better than people, or Mabee a librarian”

Soap glares at her and nods

Ruz confesses “soap your a nice..man….your loyal…brave..your courage is inspiring and you’d be willing to take on a dangerous mission..and your resourceful..and just your sense of humor too, despite the intense scenarios of what’s going on right now you maintain humor in you. And that’s what I like about you.”

“I really appreciate these words..”

“It’s no problem at all…” sal cheeks starts to blush.

“Your pretty when you blush”

Her face starts to burn up

“You think I’m pretty?..”

——

Yayyyy! I’m finally done! It’s been eight days working on this so it be appreciated if you reblog I can’t bare watching this flop 🥲

[myblueeyedbuggers]

My Boys

Chapter 12

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11  Chapter 13 Chapter 14

Pairings: Steve Rogers X Reader (Best Friend) Bucky Barnes X Reader

Word Count: 2420

Warnings: Slight bit of swearing

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.

Eyup My loves! Soo How’s your week been? Good I hope, so a bit of news for you all, there’s only  two/three more chapters left till this book is finished and then we’ll be moving onto (Drum roll) The First Avenger! Woooo! I hope you’re all as excited as I am. Anyways without anymore rambling, I give you chapter 12, enjoy!

So I can safely say that the rest of the week passed pretty quickly, with only a few ‘minor’ incidents, one of em being a massive food fight caused by yours truly and Steve getting himself stuck in the basement for 2 hours after seeing, and I quote ‘a possessed girl dressed as undead batman’.

I still haven’t told him that was me….oops

Apart from that it was pretty normal, cut to today where I’ve been blessed with the task of lookin’ after my best girl for Buck’s parents anniversary whilst they go into the city to celebrate, I mean it’s the least I could do for em. Plus, the last time the lads were trusted with lookin’ after Becca, Buck’s parents came home to the entire house covered in flour with Becca laughin’ at em cause they managed to lock themselves in a cupboard. We had to call the fire department to get em outta there.

Anyways, we kicked the boys outta the house so Becca and I could have a girls day in, now don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore this girl and I would practically do anything for her.

“Y/n can we play princesses please?! Mama got some dresses from our cousin we can wear!”

I can literally feel my soul burning right now. I honestly tried to say no, there’s nothing more I hate more that being forced into them things but one look into her bright little eyes made all my resistance die away and so I uttered the words that sealed my doom. “Of course, Becs only if we can have a tea party in em”. So here we are, me in a navy style party dress, lace covered my arms and the hem of the sweetheart neckline resting just on my collarbone,  the knee length satin skirt covered my legs.

Honestly, I wasn’t as bad I thought it were gonna be, I even let my hair outta the classic ponytail it’s always in so Becca could style it a tiny bit, to her credit she did a decent job. My h/c locks fell in small waves across my back, with the longer strands near my face tucked behind my ears and Becs even convinced me to pop on some of her mama’s makeup. Now I ain’t a fool, I know makeup’s pretty expensive and only let her pop on a shimmery light gold eyeshadow and some tinted lip balm, much to her disappointment I confiscated the mascara, I refused to let that death stick near my eyeballs.

Becca looked absolutely adorable, we’d managed to find her dance dress from last year and it suited her down to the ground. Baby pink lace covered her arms up to her wrist, the middle part had little gems dotted here and there with a pink satin ribbon separating the skirt from the top, from the looks of it the skirt was made outta some layered netting that poofed outwards when she span around. Don’t ask me how but I managed to wrap some ribbons in her braids and added a lil tiara on the top of her head and if you’d asked me, she looked like a real-life princess to me.

“So, your highness, what would one prefer to do? Would one like to have tea in the parlour or waltz in the ballroom?” my attempt at the British accent was apparently appalling, judging by the level of giggles coming outs Becca’s mouth. Eventually she calmed down enough to give me an answer “I think a waltz would be most fun lady y/n” she said in an equally bad accent. Slowly a smile spread across my face as I moved over to the record payer, I didn’t even pay attention to which one I put on before I turned back to Becca and offered her my hand, lowering myself into a bow that looked like a squid tryin’ to tap dance. Very elegant I know.  

You’d think after the past few weeks I’d been with the Barnes family, I’da got used to being tackled by the siblings, but alas I am surprised every-time, hence why I’m on the floor with a hyperactive 4 year old sat on top of me. Becca’s giggles filled the entire room, she quickly got off me and started jumping around to the sound of the jumpin’ jive and leaving me to slowly die on the floor, for all of 5 seconds before she yanked my arm outta my socket to get me dancing with her. I swear this girl isn’t even human, one second she’s sweet and delicate the next she’s bulldozing people to the ground and pullin’ em to the next life, I mean she’s 4 she shouldn’t be that strong!

Thank the lord she’s adorable. Quickly the music took over my mind, my feet moving along to the music, Becca was doin’ some twirls around me with the biggest smile on her face, I don’t know what made me do it but I grabbed her gently by the waist and spun us around in time to the music, her little arms reached into the air as we both laughed our heads off. Of course, me being me, I lost my balance and my butt suddenly met the sofa, with Becca landing next to me with a small yelp, it was quiet for all of 2 seconds before we burst out laughin’. Think it took us about 3 minutes before we calmed down, a comfortable silence fell between us, the music slowly faded to a stop as the record reached its end, and we stayed like this for a while before Becca broke the silence.

“Y/n, can you sing like mama? She don’t do it often cause it reminds her of my nana….” My eyes drifted over to Becs, her lil eyes dulled a little when she said it and now they were filled with a small glimmer of hope, and I really didn’t wanna be the reason for that light goin’ out. If I were being completely honest singin’ wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again, during my time with the Црни лабуд, singing was the only thing that made me feel like….well me I guess. It was the only sliver of light in so many years of darkness and once I was free from them I made myself a silent vow that I’d never do it again, that I was a new person. But one look in her little eyes was enough to make me break it. “I ain’t too bad, only know a couple of songs on the piano but I can try if you wanna”

Apparently Becca didn’t need to be told twice, in a flash of pink she was off to the other room, bellowing for me to follow her, I mean it ain’t like I gotta choice in the matter is it ? the sound of something hitting the floor in the room opposite me made me move even quicker (if that were even possible). Becca was stood in front of a oldish looking piano, a small bench was tuned over in front of her, and a white sheet was discarded on the floor next to her as she bounced up and down excitedly, I couldn’t help the smile on my face as I turned the bench over on it’s feet. Not even 2 seconds later Becca clambered up on it and looked at me with a bright smile, I swear she gets cuter every second like how does this happen ? I try it and I end up put away in a mental asylum.

“You got any requests princess ?” my legs carried me across the room and towards the seat, cracking my knuckles together and stretching out my fingers before turning to look at the younger lass, a look of concentration covered her face in response and it took her a few seconds to answer. “Dream a little dream of me ? think that’s what mama calls it” I swear I tried to stop the soft smile, but I really couldn’t help it this time. “sure sweetheart” and with that I hit the opening notes, the feeling of the keys under my fingertips were so familiar it was like no time had passed since I last played, I kept my voice soft and quiet as I sang. I think I was halfway through my second verse when I felt Becca cuddle into my side, she ducked her head under my arm and put her head in my lap, a soft yawn left her mouth as her eyes started to close to the sound of the music. It was at the end of the song that I looked at her again, soft snores escaped her mouth and her hand was grasping gently at the top of my skirt, I felt my heart melt even more that I thought possible, completely unaware of the small audience I’d gathered until a small cough came from behind me.

Aw shit…..

Bucky’s POV

If you’d told me a year ago, that after spending a couple of hours at Coney island with my best mate I’d come home to what must be an angels voice singing my sister to sleep. I’da never of believed ya, think you coulda imagined our confusion when me and Steve heard piano coming from the dining room. Steve shot me a look of pure bewilderment, and I couldn’t blame the guy to be honest, “thought you’d said your mama gave up piano couple a years ago”. I’m guessing my face mirrored his, cause I ain’t the slightest clue either, mama stopped playin’ years ago so who the heck could it be? “yeah she did bud, swore she’d never set her hands on it again…..”. I’m completely and utterly baffled at this point, where’s Y/n when ya need her ? she’d figure this out.

We both took a step towards the closed door, eager to know what the hell was going on when something stopped me, the sweetest sound I’d ever heard in my life sang along with the melody, I coulda sworn it sounded like the lullaby mama sang to us when we were kids. I guess I spent too long listening cause Stevie boy pushed past me and walked in, the sounds were so much clearer and more vibrant it felt like I’d died and gone to heaven right then and there. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I realised just who was creating this beautiful sound, there she was, sat in front of the piano as her fingers danced gracefully across the keys. Her voice, oh god her voice sounded like that of an angel, the weak afternoon sun shone over her hair and made her look even more angelic than humanly possible. I barely even noticed Becca asleep in her lap before Y/n finished her song and the ever-living pain in my ass decided to reveal that we were there. I mean he coulda chosen any other way of revealing our presence but no he had to let out the tiniest little cough, coulda got her back for the eyebrow incident….

Y/n literally went stiff as a board before she turned to look at us, her cheeks were red as a rose and a sheepish smile covered her face, it was only a couple of seconds after that both Steve and I noticed what she was wearing, he burst out laughin at her but me, I for once in my life couldn’t say a damn thing. She looked absolutely breath taking, her hair fell down in soft waves and framed her face, the shade of blue in her dress brought out the small flecks of green in her e/c eyes and brought out her hourglass figure. Her lips were drawn into a natural pout and it was that second it dawned on me she asked me somethin’….shit.  

“whaaaa…….” Nice one Bucky.

Steve, the lil punk, could barely stop himself laughin’, at some point he’d moved to take Becca off Y/n and stood behind y/n with his fist in his mouth to smother his laughter. My best friend ladies and gentlemen. If looks could kill he’d be 10 feet under right now.

“Buck ? I was askin’ if you were okay ?” Y/n’s face showed a tiny bit of confusion and much to my horror amusement, “YeAh I’m okay….” And just at the moment puberty strikes in the form of a voice crack, as if this weren’t embarrassing enough. At this point Steve was barely keeping it together, he had actual tears coming outta his eyes and went bright red in the face tryin’ to stop himsen laughing, in front of me y/n furrowed her eyebrows and did look genuinely concerned for my mental state. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, just looked at me before she lifted her hand to my forehead and held it here for a minute, thank god Steve chose to leave the room before this or I’da never heard the end of it.

“You sure you’re okay, feelin’ a bit warm and ya actin weirder than usual Buck” okay quick say something before this gets even more embarrassing, first thing that pops into ya head in 3,2,1…

“Yeah I’m sure, think I ate somethin’ funky down at the pier, makin’ me real gassy”……why am I like this? Normally I can charm any girl of their feet but with y/n, I’ma bumbling mess.  She didn’t say a damn word, she just raised her eyebrows whilst a small smirk covered her face, before she turned and left me to have a very small breakdown underneath the dining table.

Meaning I let out a noise that sounded like a bear stubbing it’s toe in the middle of winter.

I thought my luck couldn’t get any worse, but nooo old lady luck decided today I needed a second helping, cause the second I did that Y/n walked back into the room. Brilliant. I was too busy stumbling over my words to processes what she was doin’, before I knew it she’d walked back to me and stood on her tip toes��.then planted a small kiss on my cheek.

“You’re cute when you’re flustered Barnes”

And just like that, she left me with my jaw on the ground and heart beatin’ outta my chest, cause I’m starting to think that she was right. I’m sure as hell coming down with something, and I’m pretty sure it ain’t a regular ol’ bug…..

SOOO, if you got this far hope you enjoyed it, as always any feed back or constructive criticism is welcome, thank so much for reading and hope you have a great day/night/week.

lots of love

Rose xxx

[bobasheebaby]

200 Brooklyn 99 Prompts

Rosa

1 “Talk to him, that's what friends do.” “Nope. I'm gonna wait 'til I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately.” “That's your plan for dealing with this?” “That's my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I'm going to win that way.”

2 “I'm already seeing somebody, NAME.” “Oh, and just like that, things got interesting.” “And just like that, I left.”

3 “NAME is even wearing his/her formal leather jacket.” “It's the one without any blood on it.”

4 “Right, that's the guy/girl you said the lame stuff about. Like he’s/she's a good listener.” “Sorry, what do you look for in a guy/girl?” “Real stuff, like the shape of his/her ass.”

5 “Sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the deli and return my Everything Bagel. In what world does everything not include beef jerky?” “All of them.”

6 “He/She also likes to look up recipes online and go, "Who's got the time?"

7 “Thank you, NAME. Your entire life is garbage.”

8 “NAME , tell us about your family.” “I have one.”

9 “Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.”

10 “I am dating his/her nephew/niece. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Oh! Small talk.”

11 “Wait, is that a smile I see?” “Possibly. My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles.”

12 “Whoa, what happened? You know what, forget it. I'll just read NAME’s notes.”

13 “NAME? Are you stuck in there?” “No, I'm in here by choice.” “Oh, 'cause I hear some banging noises as if someone was struggling to open the door.” “No. That was the pipes.” “Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help? You know, you can't spell ‘independent’ without ‘dependent.’” “And you can't spell ‘Go [bleep] yourself’ without ‘[bleep] you.’”

14 “I've said "excuse me" more times this morning than I have in my entire life. Twice!”

15 “Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to BAR NAME. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.” “A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You're describing hell.”

16 “So, what is this? Casual, serious? I need to know how to make fun of you.”

17 “NAME and I broke up. He/She ate soup too much.” “What, like every day?” “It happened twice.”

18 “So, what are you drinking?” “I'll have a margarita. But, like, a skinny margarita. So, like, tequila, lime, and a tiny splash of agave.” “Mm. I refuse to order that.”

19 “What are you looking all wistful about?” “Just thinking, about relationships and love, and how I'm way better at them than I thought I'd be. Should I do a TED Talk on it?” “Doesn't seem any dumber than all the other TED Talks.”

20 “Why didn't you tell me? I had no idea things were getting that serious.” “Yeah, it's very embarrassing having feelings.”

21 “So are you bringing someone to the wedding?” “No, I'm taking a break from dating for a while.” “What?” “I'm sick of asking people how many siblings they have. Oh, is it somewhere between zero and two? How fascinating.”

22 “I grew a goatee and it looks amazing, and I know you can see it.” “Of course we can see it, NAME. It's horrible.”

23 “It feels like you're being a little harsh.” “Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up.”

24 “Are your senses heightened?” “I think I might be pregnant, not bitten by a radioactive spider.”

25 “You're what sneezes are!”

26 “Seriously, you guys should stand up once in a while. You know, for your hearts.”

27 “NAME, this is dumb. I'm just gonna go.” “No, no, no. You promised me more time. I still have seven minutes.” “I really don't want to miss my flight, and I cannot physically stand the way that room smells anymore.” “Just breathe through your mouth.”

28 “You know, some people say, ‘Mo money, mo problems,’ but those people are idiots. Money's amazing.”

29 “Dude, just admit you ruined everything and turned our lives into a living hell. No biggie.”

30 “We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.” “I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.”

Jake

31 “I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?”

32 “I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.”

33 “How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?” “Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.” “Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?”

34 “So, I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.” “Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?” “Breakfast burrito, but yeah.” “I pity your dentist.” “Joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.”

35 “I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.”

36 “Rules are made to be broken.” “They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.” “Uh, piñatas.” “Glow sticks.” “Karate boards.” “Spaghetti when you have a small pot.” “Rules.”

37 “Hey, can I ask you something?” “Mm-hmm.” “If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?” “No, not at all.” “Psh, lame.”

38 “NAME, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your dad/mom tonight?” “Those are exactly the same.” “I have a signature look, NAME.”

39 “Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.” “That will be $1,600.” “Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.”

40 “I am straight-up depressed. NAME’s been doing her best to cheer me up. He/She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.” “Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.” “I know, it's so hot.”

41 “Wait. Before you say anything, I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died. No! You won a prize. I'm not getting better at this.”

42 “What is the bandwidth on the wifi here? We have much content to stream.”

43 “Oh, you sweaty, chair-spinning morons. You're gonna get us out of here.”

44 “Sir, I think I speak for all of us when —“ “He/She doesn't.” “He/She doesn't.”

45 “So, your brother/sister's a bit of a nightmare.” “I wouldn't say that. I mean, at most, he’s/she's a daymare.” “Those are so much scarier.” “Yeah.”

46 “Look, NAME, I burnt two hundred calories.” “That's your heart rate.” “Yeah, that checks out.”

47 “I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.”

48 “Excuse me. We were just looking for a place to —“ “Boink.” “Yes, boink. That's my preferred term for it, too.”

49 “Thank you for doing this. I love you.” “Noice. Smort. I love you too.”

50 “Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.”

51 “I have a sexy voice!

Champagne.

Mountain range.

Hugs.”

52 “Has anyone ever told you you look just like a statue?” “Yes.”

53 “NAME, you're smiling. It's very weird. Like seeing a turtle out of its shell.”

54 “You look happy. Let me guess. Your egg sandwich fell on the floor, and they gave it to you for free.” “No. Can you do that? Why doesn't everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?” “I was trying to insult you.” “And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!”

55 “So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since NAME heard they were remaking ‘First Wives Club.’”

56 “Hey, there, NAME. Everything okay?” “No, I'm having a meltdown.” “Props. That was amazing.” “Thanks. It was a lot of work.”

57 “Almost makes me wanna take things seriously all the time. But then I'm like ‘boobs, farts, boobs, whatever’.”

58 “Ahh, babe, this is so nice. There are hot stones on our butts for no reason.” “Not on mine. My butt stones keep falling off, because I'm so tense about NAME being here and ruining everything.”

59 “Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.”

60 “Rule number 3: Let's not have sex right away.” “Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. Good rule. No sex. Good rule.”

Charles

61 “Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?” “Tinker Bell?” “Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.”

62 “NAME, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.” “Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.”

63 “Hey, NAME, are you ready to go streaking?” “What?” “That's what my dad/mom and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.” “You just said you called it going streaking.” “It had a couple names.”

64 “So we have good news, and we have bad news.” “My Nana always said, ‘Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie.’ Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.”

65 “What about me? What if something happens to NAME, and he never gets to meet my baby? I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met NAME.”

66 “Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him/her. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.”

67 “No! I was eavesdropping. I'm always eavesdropping.” “I don't like it.” “Look, I didn't spend the last seven years watching your love ripen, only to have it sullied by a city hall wedding. You're getting married right here, right now.”

68 “I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like him/her a little bit.” “You doodled your wedding invitation.” “No, that's our joint tombstone.” “My mistake.”

69 “How many times have I smacked you in your face?” “Lost count.” “And you still have no fear of me.” “I'm trying to read your womb vibe.” “Exactly. Knock it off.”

70 “Okay, first of all, NAME, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.” “Clearly.”

71 “He’s/She's got a type, which is really any one but you.” “Yeah, that was my ex-husband/ex-wife's type, too.”

72 “Sexy train is leaving the station. Check out this caboose. Later, sluts.”

73 “I can't wait to see you, my luscious little breakfast quiche. I just want to draw you a bubble bath and spoon-feed you caviar. I think we should open up a joint checking account. I love you. [pause] What am I doing?” “It's okay. I hung up right after ‘Chucklebunny’.” “Help me. I've gone Full NAME.”

74 “Do you desire a crispen potato?” “Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.” “How dare you, sir/madam. I speak the common tongue.” “There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.” “Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.”

75 “Hey, donut holes. Don't mind if I do. Eurgh! Fish? Fish donuts, NAME? What is wrong with you?” “It's takoyaki. I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls.”

76 “Put on a T-shirt for all I care. It doesn't matter what you wear.” “Of course it matters. He has to wear the smaller checks. Big checks wash him out. Where are you, NAME?”

77 “Ooh, if they have your phone, we can track where they're going. I have ‘Find My Phone’ set up to track you. What? I do that for all my friends, not just you.” “Show me.” “There's no time!”

78 “You okay?” “Yeah, no burns. The doctor said I was lucky my body was so damp.”

79 “You guys have been down here for two hours. What, did you have sex forty times?”

80 “What? You don't need closet space. You have, like, one outfit.”

81 “You just graduated pie school, bitches. [pause] Sorry I said bitches, I'm just really worked up.”

82 “So, I know you're NAME’s best friend, and —“ “Did he/she say that? Did you get that on tape?” “No.” “No, he/she didn't say that or no, you didn't get it on tape? Doesn't matter. Either way, you screwed up big time.”

83 “What you did is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.”

84 “That's right. Boom. Just kicked Santa in the testicles.”

85 “No, there's no one in my life. [wink] Sort of a sad thing to wink about, I realize now.”

86 “NAME! Were you dreaming about NAME again?” “Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!”

87 “You used all the touching time, NAME. I get 100% of the goodbye touching time. 100%.”

88 “Do you wanna know why he/she went out with him/her and not you?” “Yeah.” “Because he/she actually asked him/her out.”

89 “NAME, will you taste this batter?” “Mm-hmm. Hmm. I think it's a little off.” “You know what's off? Your mouth! Why NAME lets your stupid tongue anywhere near him/her I'll never know. Nope, I forgot the sugar. That's on me.”

90 “There's no need for NAME to see me unleash the beast.”

Captain Holt

91 “Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun big/little brother/sister?” “Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.”

92 “It's the most fun day of the year. Something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.” “Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.”

93 “Sticks and stones, NAME.” “Describing your breakfast?”

94 “NAME, how are you feeling?” “Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.” “Smart. Something bland.” “That's my favorite breakfast.”

95 “Joining us for lunch, Sir?” “Oh, no, I've already consumed the required calories for this day period.” “Yummy.”

96 “You all right, NAME? Tough weekend?” “I went to Barbados with my husband/wife. We wove hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays. I've never been happier.”

97 “Maybe I should wing it. Love, it sustains you. It's like oatmeal.” “Okay. Okay. Not bad for winging it.” “I lied. Took me two hours to write that.”

98 “I do not have a problem. If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes, I will play Kwazy Cupcakes. Kwazy is a difficult word to say in anger, but I think I've made my feelings clear.”

99 “This place is so romantic.” “Yeah, and so intimate.” “Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.” “Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.”

100 “Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?” “Clearly the pineapple is the slut.” “Huh.”

101 “Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.”

102 “So nice of you to greet us, NAME. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.”

103 “So, do you NAME --“ “Yes.” “And do you --“ “Yes. Yes. We do. We're married.”

104 “I mean, don't people call you NAME?” “How dare you.”

105 “So you lied to me? Out of pity. You pity me.” “I wouldn't put it that way.” “I would. I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I'm gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.”

106 “Look at that. You've helped me find my smile.”

107 “Huh. Meat from the street. Sounds like a fun treat. Hah. I'm a poet and ... I didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.”

108 “Oh, look at that. An alert. I'm probably trending already. What? My account has been deactivated?” “Twitter thinks you're a bot.” “Why? I am a human. I am a human male/female.”

109 “Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.” “Call me the devil, NAME? How original.” “Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.”

110 “NAME! I'm coming with you.” “Thank you, NAME.” “I'm also coming.” “Not necessary.”

111 “Spot checks are done. Needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.” “Huh. From your expression, I would have guessed constipated. Or chilly.”

112 “NAME, you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama. Once, I used an exclamation point in a email. You called me Diana Ross.” “I assure you, in this case, I do not exaggerate.”

113 “I know they say it's not good to have a TV in the bedroom. Which is why I don't.”

114 “NAME, did you just laugh?” “Uproariously.”

115 “You know when you play along with the robot jokes, it kinda ruins my enjoyment of them?” “Yes, I know.”

116 “And what do you hope to get out of this, NAME? Let me guess revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister?”

117 “It was a good game though for a dumbass.” Okay, you're kinda overusing that one. Maybe switch it up a little bit.” “Oh, good note. You dick.” “That landed good.”

118 “Dancing over. Situation defused.” “No!”

119 “All right, NAME, I'm sick of you wasting time. So, yes, I spilled some minestrone on my pants and I'm sitting in my underwear. Happy?”

120 “You found me. Drinking seltzer in the shadows.”

Gina

121 “It's a sloppy Jessica. Mac n cheese, chili, pizza on a bun. Its everything I've wanted to eat for the last 48 hours.” “What happened? I thought you were gonna 'last forever bitches.'” “Turns out I gave up easy. You hear that bitches? I gave up so easy.”

122 “If NAME had a twin, he/she would have eaten him/her in the womb.”

123 “Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.” “Aren't you forgetting something?” [person a gives Person b a kiss on the forehead] “Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?”

124 “The English language can not fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts. So I'm incorporating Emoji into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.”

125 “All right, gang. Diet day 4. How's everyone holding up?” “Honestly, I'm going to last forever. You hear that bitches? I'm gonna last forever.”

126 “If I die, turn my tweets into a book!”

127 “The only reason I didn't tell you is I don't value you as people, so why be honest?”

128 “Breakups are a cartoony thumbs down. They make people feel face-with-Xs-for-the-eyes.”

129 “I'm sorry. I just don't think this is something you're good at.” “What? The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it.”

130 “Click. I just captured the exact moment you realized you had failed. I guess we all got something out of this.”

131 “It's so addictive, right? I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.”

132 “Forget your ex with meaningless sex. It rhymes because it's true.”

133 “NAME. NAME. NAME, I screwed up, big time.” “NAME, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.”

134 “So, talk to me, goose. How are we looking?” “Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.”

135 “Give me the ring.” “You sound like Gollum.” “That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies, I'm too pretty.”

136 “Oh no, six drink NAME isn't fun. He’s/She's just sad. Damn it!”

137 “I never have second thoughts. That's the luxury of having great first thoughts.”

138 “Ugh, constantly getting NAME’s approval is the worst.” “Yes. I can only imagine.”

139 “You think you can just bully people, but you can't. It's not okay. I'm the bully around here. Ask anyone.”

140 “This just might work out after all.” “You're damn right it will, 'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity, fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team!”

141 “Okay, NAME, stop freaking out. I have the day off. I can step in and help.” “Yeah, me too. I'm not off, but I come and go as I please. It's part of my charm. I'm like an outdoor cat.”

142 “Gina, please keep an eye on NAME today. He's/She’s gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself/herself punched.” “Sure, I'd love to see NAME get punched.” “Try again.” “I will stop NAME from getting punched.” “Correct.”

143 “Oh, I want him/her out. But I'm too scared to tell him/her. “ “All right, listen. I know that your spirit animal is a caterpillar that's been stepped on —“ “Mm-hmm.”

144 “What are you creeps doing? You made me look away from my phone. You better pray I didn't miss a text.” “In the two seconds you looked away?” “Seventeen texts. All of them important.”

145 “What is my favorite soup?” “Chicken noodle.” “Potato leek.” “Corn frickin' noodle. I mean, chowder, damn it.” “You're all wrong. I've never had soup.” “Don't bother. They all suck.”

146 “Okay, so that plumber was useless. But we are two smart and capable people who can definitely figure out how to fix a toilet.” “Of course we can. The internet will tell us what to do. She always does.”

147 “It's crazy how much he/she flirts with me.”

148 “Good morning.” “For whom?” “For you-m.”

149 “So he/she didn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.” “He's/She’s in a fight club.”

150 “What's up? How can I help?” “Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together the Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia.” “But never to a friend's house, huh?” “Uncalled for.”

Amy

151 “That stuff with us is in the past. We talked about that.” “I know, but that was before you saw me in this dope ass tux. I mean you must be freaking out.” “Oh, I really am. I'm really into rented clothes. I love how many butts have been in them.”

152 “You know, we're birds of a feather, you and I.” “I hate cliches.” “Cliches are the worst.”

153 “And now I don't know what to do.” “I think you do know what to do.” “Thanks, NAME.” [leaves the room] “I have no idea what he’s/she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give NAME advice.” “Yep.”

154 “Insult me all you want, for I have only this to say —“ “Victory shall be mine!” “I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.” “Cool, fun take on our relationship.”

155 “NAME, where you at?” “Four drinks.” “What's four-drink NAME again?” “Why don't you come over here and find out?” “Right, Horny NAME”

156 “I'm sorry. We only excluded you because you're kind of an over-texter.” “Over-texter? That's not even a thing.” “Oh really? So you don't remember the time you sent 97 unanswered texts in a five-minute span?” “My phone vibrated itself off the desk. I think it was committing suicide.”

157 “What the hell? I used NAME's exact recipe. I know I'm not a great cook, but I love following instructions.”

158 “What's going on? Is this a dream? No, I'm not holding a label maker.”

159 “My power went out last night and my alarm didn't go off.” “Your alarm is power dependent? You brought this on yourself, son.”

160 “I'd also like to apologize for my friend. His /Her parents didn't give him/her enough attention.”

161 “I'm in! A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.”

162 “He’s/She's scared.” “He’s/She's not scared. With all due respect, NAME, NAME has no feelings.”

163 “I'm so cold even my fiery dance moves aren't keeping me warm.”

164 “I'm sorry. I tried to be myself and they hated it.”

165 “All right, someone's gotta go out there and kill that feathery bastard. NAME, you're always looking for an excuse to behead something.”

Sergeant Jeffords

166 “It was like taking candy from a baby.” “Why are you giving candy to a baby in the first place? Don't give candy to a baby! They can't brush their teeth!”

167 “I was raised on disco. Little NAME loved to hustle.”

168 “Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?” [Scoffs] “No.” “Lie.” “All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.” “She makes all of us feel things!”

169 “Urgh, what's in these?” “Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.” “Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable.” “Yeah.”

170 “I warned you against using donuts. They're my trigger food.”

171 “Hey, NAME, you know how you're really good at doodling?” “I know you think you're complimenting me, but calling them doodles is an insult. You a big fan of Picasso's doodles?”

172 “Your tone's braggy but your words are real sad.”

173 “See, NAME? Tough love works.” “Damn it! NAME proved the wrong point.”

174 “Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.” “I don't know why this is happening.” “NAME, I love it. Everyone follow his/her lead!”

175 “Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.” “Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.” “I love yogurt.”

176 “Kind of seemed like you were gonna get up and leave after saying all that.” “I was, but I think I hear NAME.”

177 “You better look cute in this picture, or no one's gonna want you. Do something with your damn paws!”

178 “My tolerance has really changed since I had kids!”

179 “I'm hungry!” “Oh, you're in luck; the fanny pack is filled with granola.” “Mmm! Loose granola.” “I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!”

180 “You probably can't tell, but I'm flexing my brain like crazy right now.”

181 “What's that smell? That's lavender. NAME loves lavender.”

182 “Okay. Excuse me. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself. NAME needs nutrients!”

183 “Don't look at me. NAME wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.” “Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.”

184 “Sorry? You bumbling son of a bitch. You just ruined my life. I hope you get hit by a truck and a dog takes a dump on your face.” “Nothing to see here. Just a little hypoglycaemic rage. Move along.”

185 “I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!”

Hitchcock

186 “NAME, why do you have your shirt off?” “Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.”

187 “What bet? What are you guys talking about?” “Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?!” “Nothing. Why, you want to hang out?”

188 “So you just want us to lie on the ground and do nothing like a bunch of losers?” “Yes, precisely.” “No!” “Jackpot!”

189 “I don't like it. Something stinks.” “Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.”

190 “My God. NAME, are you the only person still making sense?” “Yeah. It's bad.”

191 “All right, food is ready, decorations are set, guests should start arriving any moment, and the chairs are still perfection.” “He/She said they're perfection. I'm so proud of you, buddy.” “It was you. You made this happen.”

192 “Who do you think it's gonna be?” “I've no idea.” “I bet it's me. I just hope I'm ready.”

193 “Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.” “Actually, I cut myself real bad.” “Of course you did.”

Scully

194 “Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?” “Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, NAME.” “Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em ‘oopsies’.”

195 “I miss my home chair.” “You miss a chair?”

196 “Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, NAME?” “I thought they'd make good confetti.” “Why?”

197 “All right, anyone else have questions? NAME, NAME, you've been weirdly silent.” “We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.”

198 “Okay, first of all, I want to say that this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. There is so much talent in this room.” “Just tell us, bitch. Act as if you already have the role.”

199 “I'll be back. Don't move.” “Not a problem. I hate moving.”

200 “Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles?” “Yes. I've never solved one.”

[moro-nokimi]

Journey’s End

Summary: Naomi lives and is recruited by the SPK. Bisexuality ensues.

TW: Death of a loved one, alcohol (very end). 

ffn.online

Chapter 1: December 31, 2009

Naomi paced around the room. Raye would’ve been 33. When did we get this old? she thought. Happy birthday, I guess. She tried not to imagine what it would have been like if he hadn't been called to Japan.

She picked up her ringing phone. “Hi, Nana. It’s nice to hear from you.”

“And you too, dear. How are you holding up?”

“Same as always. I’m sorry I can’t call as often as I’d like to. My job and all.”

“I understand. My son, when he was alive, was the same way.”

Her mouth twisted. “Yeah. How are you and Chris doing?”

“We’re all right. Missing him as usual. Chris' job’s going well, though. As for his brothers, they're over as an annual thing. I’d tell you more, but I don’t really think it’s my news to tell.”

“That’s all right. Either way, they know where I am and have my number. They can tell me on their own time.”

“You hear that, boys?” In the background, there was a cacophony of groaning from Raye's brothers.

She smiled. “I should be going.”

“Of course. Don’t let us hold you back.”

“You’re not. Either way, I’ll see—hear you, I guess—on my birthday.”

“Mhm. Goodbye, Naomi. We’ll be thinking of you.”

She shut her phone with a sigh, then emerged from her hotel room. “Sorry I’m late, Katie.”

“Don’t let it happen too often,” Sheridan replied. “What even was it about?”

“Family stuff. You know how it gets. Anything on Kira?”

“The Bureau is still digging its heels in. All we’ve got is that Kira is in Japan—obviously, that’s why we’re here. No dice on anything else. It’s a wonder that Mason’s still ordering us to do these things, since the amount of stuff we have is nil.”

“Kira’s bound to slip up. He plays a long game.”

“Gee, ya think? Either way, I’m hungry.”

“Breakfast hours finished over two hours ago,” Naomi chided. “You can wait.”

“The human body digests food over a period of two hours, and at the end of that time period, then you’re hungry again.”

“Sure. Whatever, go get something from the vending machine.”

“Don’t wait up.”

Kids, Naomi thought.

“Come on, she’s only a couple years younger than you,” Ian Smirnov chided. He filled in, at her blank look, “Your expressions can be really obvious sometimes. Lemme guess, you were thinking, ‘kids’.”

Either way, inexperienced people can be liabilities. Especially those who are too worried about other things than their job.” She raised her eyebrows. "And I'll try to ignore you bringing up my age. Women age better with some mystery, you know."

He rolled his eyes. “You can be so anal sometimes. It’s times like these where I’m not shocked your nickname is ‘Misora Massacre’.”

“Well, either way. Mason says to keep analysing the patterns of Kira’s killings, besides the obvious.” There was a two week stop in the murders in '04, and then a slew of murders of white collar people. It was all traceable to the Yotsuba Group, but then they all died the same year. Nothing since, just the same old regular murder of incarcerated people.

(As far as "same old" can stretch when talking about the murder of people in prison.)

“Of course he does. He’s a good boss, but he doesn’t know what to look for,” Sheridan said. “So, Massacre, what’s your prediction?”

“Don’t call me that. Probably nothing as usual. We’ve still got six more months left for the scouting, so I guess we wait for something major.”

Sheridan sighed through her nose. “Also probably nothing. Either way, I’ll check it out. Anyone on drink duty tonight?”

“That’s Churchill’s job as of…” Smirnov checked his watch, “12:01 in the morning today. Then, it’s Misora’s job next week.”

“Didn’t I tell you guys that I don’t partake in that?” Naomi replied. “Besides, I thought the Russians would’ve been perfectly happy to buy the alcohol.”

Smirnov snickered. This had been their running joke as of late.

“Jokes about Smirnov aside, I’ll get started,” Sheridan said.

"Thanks."

[never-not-ever]

Can you share your story with us? You can do it ❤️

Thank you! It wasn’t that bad… The 8th graders this morning were paying attention which was nice but no one asked questions in the end so it was like a little awkward lol. But after that at the high school I was a part of 5 periods where the kids would shuffle in and me and my co peer mentors would sit at the front like a panel. Since there was a bunch of us we didn’t all have to present each time but I ended up doing mine twice!

Also just to preface this, my story is not the full story. The first draft I sent to the coordinator was like 10x long and over time we shortened it and tried to not make it as descriptive/triggering… but here ya go!

“Freshmen year of high school, I was sitting in class joking with my best friend about how it was going to be my last day in school. I had an annual physical with my doctor later that afternoon. This was my first doctors appointment since I started self harming. Back then I thought that the second she saw my arm I was going to get taken away by two men in white coats. I didn’t go to a psych ward that day. Instead, she asked me if I was okay and I replied “I’m fine, it was a stupid thing I did, I promise I won’t do it again”. She handed me a little white card with the name and phone number of a therapist. I often wonder what would have happened if I actually called that therapist and got help back in high school. Would the self harm have stopped? Would the suicide attempts have been prevented? Would I have graduated from college by now? Who would I be if I got help back then?

I think I had a pretty normal childhood. I didn’t have a mom and a dad but I had my Nana and my Aunt. My Nana got custody of me when I was 2 and she and my Aunt raised me my whole life. My Aunt was like my mother and everywhere we went people thought I was her daughter. I have no memory of my father. He was an alcoholic and left before my mother lost custody of me. My mother has her own problems with mental health as well as a drug addiction. We tried to have a relationship but as I grew up I saw who she really was. By the time I turned 15 I wanted nothing to do with her and I haven’t spoken to her since.

Growing up I was really close with my Aunt, she was like a mother to me, a real one. My Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in middle school and she was constantly in relapse and remission. For months it would disappear and then all of a sudden it would come back again. I went to a small middle school with probably about 15 kids in my class. I was the biggest person in my school. At the 8th grade dance all the other girls wore cute dresses and I wore pants and a nice shirt. That wasn’t my style but I was just way too self conscious to ever wear a dress. In high school I was once again the biggest person. I had a couple close friends but I hated being around people, always fearing that they were judging me for my size. I had a friend online who introduced me to self harm. He was always bullied so he starting hurting himself as a way to cope. You see I was never bullied. I was always overweight but no one ever called me names or made fun of me, at least to my face. I was the bully. To myself. I hated the way I looked, the things I said, the way I interacted with other people. I hated everything about myself. I always scolded myself for saying or doing the wrong thing. I started self harming in my freshmen year. Back then I didn’t see a future for myself. I was so depressed that I wasn’t thinking about the consequences I’d later face because of my self harm. My depression, along with my extreme self hatred, turned my self harm into a way to punish myself.

After high school my depression and self harm got worse and I started feeling suicidal. My Aunts cancer was back and had traveled throughout her body. She passed away in April of 2012. She died at home and I watched her take her last breath. Right after she passed I ran up to my room and tore apart the suicide notes and threw away all my self harm supplies all while telling myself “I have to be there for my Nana, I can’t leave her too”. My Aunt’s death made me feel selfish for feeling depressed and suicidal. It made me think of all the people who have it worse and here I was so depressed and wanting to end my life? It didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t choosing to feel this way and I had every right to feel the way I did. It took me a while to realize that but I know now after feeling such joy and happiness I wouldn’t chose sadness and depression, no one would. For a while after my Aunt passed away I thought maybe she was watching over me and so every time I had that urge to hurt myself it was easily pushed away. The day my Aunt died it was like I put this shield up and I automatically started comforting everyone around me so I wasn’t actually grasping the fact that she was gone. Later on that fall I tried to go back to school but my depression got worse and the reality of my Aunt’s death finally came to the surface and so I ended up dropping out. The self harm started up again and it was now a full blown addiction. 

Almost a year after my Aunts death I saw my first therapist and later that summer my first psychiatrist. I spent a year in therapy while working part time. I tried once again to go back to school but for the third time I dropped out. I was severely depressed, self harming and binge drinking alone in my room. I was soon admitted to a psych ward at McLean Hospital. I was there for a week and on the day I discharged I went home and attempted to end my life. The memories of that day will haunt me forever. Back then I didn’t think about how my death would effect the ones around me. When I hear suicide survivors talk about their lost loved ones it hurts to think I could have put my friends and family through that.  

For years after that I started this cycle where I would feel fine, happy even, for months at a time. But then out of nowhere I’d slowly start to feel depressed again and the self harm would start up. Depression looks different for everyone but for me it’s not wanting to get out of bed. It’s pushing away friends and family, always feeling like a burden. It’s staying up until 4 am and not waking up until the late afternoon. It’s binge eating and gaining weight and climbing up past 300lbs. It’s hating everything about yourself and the person you’ve become.

I’ve had to go back to the hospital a couple times since my suicide attempt. There were no scary men in white coats like I had thought. Going to the hospital is needed if you’re in danger of hurting yourself. It’s a place to go if you can’t keep yourself safe. A couple years ago I was feeling suicidal and I vaguely talked about it on Tumblr and thankfully someone called the police. Back then I was so angry at that person but looking back they probably saved my life. During one of my hospitalizations I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which was something I had never heard of before. BPD is a mental illness that consists of intense mood swings, self harm, suicidal thinking, bad body image and impulsive behaviors. 

Finally I reached a point where I wasn’t constantly thinking about ending my life. I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy, the most successful therapy for helping people like me. This type of therapy can be done outside of the hospital so it allowed me to go back to work and school. It teaches you skills to help manage your emotions, maintain healthy relationships and handle stressful situations. I’ve done many different types of DBT therapy, residential, partial programs, groups and individual therapy. But I’ve finally gotten to a place in my recovery where all I need now is just therapy. It’s become a weekly place to check in and talk about any red flags before they become another spiral.

McLean hospital and DBT have literally saved my life. I mean, I saved my life but DBT taught me the skills to not destroy my relationships and myself. Today I’m in a healthy, stable relationship with my girlfriend and we’ve been together for 3 years. We just moved in together last summer and adopted two little black kittens. Last fall I passed my first classes since 2015 and I know now that I want to work in the mental health field some day. I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m starting to feel more comfortable in this new body scars and all. I work full time as a florist manager and I’m now part of this amazing peer mentor organization. I might not be here today if someone didn’t call the police back then. I wasn’t able to reach out for help so I’m grateful that someone else was able to do it for me. It sounds cliche but it does get better and if you had told me that back then, I would have laughed in your face. After 12 years I still have urges to hurt myself and sometimes I hear a song that reminds me of the day I tried to end my life and all I want to do is sleep to escape those feelings. But it passes. The urges and the sadness and the hopelessness. It all passes. I think of my cats and how amazing it is to feel the sun on my arms. I think of things that help me chose recovery instead of resorting back to old behaviors and that’s how I know things are different now. Thank you.”

[scarletpan-moved]

All the aesthetic asks

Meme Mentioned: @little-mx-rayne // @kotafrost // @lukeriolc // @paladin-in-red // @jiminy-krispies

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

... I was in Captain D’s, and Pink came on the radio in there, and I was singing to myself under my breath while waiting on my food.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Am I going to be okay? 

It’s a general question, I know, but it’s all I need to know. If I could have the reassurance that, no matter what fucking hell I go through, I’ll be okay? I’d be 100% better off.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Living to today. I think, when you’ve had a tough life, you’ve considered doing things that you shouldn’t, that living past that, living in spite of that, that’s a damn good accomplishment. And living to a point where I have days where I am happy? That’s pretty damn good too. 

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

When I hear happy memory, there is two things that come to mind. 

One: This past summer, going to Michigan, walking around [Town Name Redacted] with my partner. Seeing the water falls, the bears, all of that... 

Two: Theater, back in high school - being back stage and just being so proud, so excited, and so damn happy. I adored that mess. 

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

If I were to die in a year, I would message people. I would message people I hate, and tell them how they made me feel. I would message past squabbles and try to set aside our differences. I would message family members and tell them how their hypocrisy hurts me. 

But would I change anything? No. I’d just be more honest. 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Not a formal list, but there are a few things I would say I want to accomplish before I die. They rearrange occasionally, in my head, but at the moment I would say that my top three are 

- Visit Japan, or another country on my bucket list. - Meet people who have inspired me (beyond those who I admire, or those who’s work I enjoy, there are famous people who have inspired me. That list is smaller.) - Pet a sheep and/ or alpaca

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

A temper disproportionate to their height, but equal to their beauty. Protective, to the point of needing to be calmed, just as their zodiac would suggest. They are fierce, will gut you with their horns if you threaten what is theirs, but at the same time they are nurturing. When you are upset, your thought is them. When you are happy, your thought is them. No matter if it is your greatest joys, or your greatest sorrows, you want to share it with them. 

Now, that fits two people in my life, but they are equally as close, as important, and I couldn’t pick one. 

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I think I had a childhood, which is more than many could say. I also think that childhood ended far too soon. 

I think it was okay, due to my naivety at the time. That being said, looking back on it I do not think it was a ‘good’ childhood by any means. It simply seemed that way at the time. 

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

Does over skype count? If so, last night while I was on a call with Rayne, due to something they wrote. If that doesn’t count, then when I found out about Vegas, being I cried in front of my mother. 

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Rayne. 

I picked Rayne because they don’t grow too restless with these things. They see the cheesy romance in typical, old fashioned dates. I picked Rayne because their imagination knows no bounds, and because they are likely to see things in the stars that I cannot. I picked Rayne because we could talk for hours about the ins and outs of the universe, and never once grow bored. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

It depends on the setting. If a stranger were experiencing something I have in the past? Of course. If it were to help them, I would have no qualms. But just rando #3? No.

lace: when was your last 3 am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

My partner, Rayne, and I were on skype last night at 3 am. We were talking about our roleplay plot, I do believe it was a plot about her character being in a coma and seeing people in purgatory (think the train station in HP when Harry temporarily died) before coming to.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

I would remind my partners I love them. If I could only tell one, I would tell one and have them remind the other of the fact. I don’t know what else I could want to tell anyone. 

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

I think they are under-romanticized. I think they’re beautiful, and they hold just as much spirit, emotion, and depth as blue or green eyes. I think brown eyes are beautiful.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“Keep moving forward.” 

This has been my mantra for years, even more so since Mon/ty O/um died. Keep moving forward means the obvious, to keep moving and never give up, but also more than that. It means to always be looking at the next thing. It means not to let something get in your way, and instead move past that. It means not to move backward. It means that, once you’ve moved past something, keep going. And that’s a reminder I need.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

“An Eventful Life in Depression and Anxiety”? “Growing Up is for Chumps”? I’m not really sure

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Hoard the fuck out of it. 

No not really. I would travel, some. I would take Rayne and Kota to cons, and buy cosplays. I would tip double at restaurants, and leave $10 in tip jars. I would buy Sta/rbucks every day. 

I would be happy.

I wouldn’t be in debt.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

No. No no no, you see I try to be forgiving. And once upon a time I was. Now days? I’m passively bitter. I don’t have the energy to stay mad, so I don’t. But I refuse to forgive people and welcome them back into my life once they’ve hurt me. Fuck that. Fuck them. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear 12 y/o Kerri, 

I know things are... off this year, or they will be soon. Just know a few things. If someone loves you, then they show it. Sage may be a dumb ass, but he's right, you should listen to him. Haley has a lot on her plate, you know what's going on with her mom, don't hold her immaturity against her. She's more important than he is anyway. And I know you like Math Team, but maybe you should quit.

Also? Mom isn't trying to ruin your life. I promise, she loves you. Please, don't... be so hard on her, okay?

                            We’ll Be Okay,                                          20 y/o Kerri

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Pastel punk?? Like I enjoy both spectrum(s) of fashion, so I’m not sure.. I guess I lean more toward punk in physical style, right now at least.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I love them. There are four tattoos I want, and I would love a few more piercings as well. body mods are a wonderful path for self expression.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Yes?? I think it’s a normal amount, but on days where I’m feeling up to it I typically wear foundation, powder, contour, eyeliner, and mascara. 

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

                    “You've got to make a choice                     If the music drowns you out                          And raise your voice      Every single time they try and shut your mouth” 

M//CR has always been a big influence and help to me throughout my life, but these lyrics always helped me. Honestly, these lyrics started my journey to speaking to be heard, instead of keeping quiet.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

Fuck uhm

That’s a lot of pressure.... I guess “We are all the same, stop implementing arbitrary differences, this is what divides us.” 

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

I’ve only really been to a few small ones. I went to B/oys Like G//irls, but that wasn’t my choice, and then I went to Skill//et - that one was amazing. It was my first date with The Boyfriend, and honestly the memory is one of my fondest ones. 

Other than that, I saw Jeff Will//iams in concert at RT/X, and I think that was my best concert experience so far. It was pure magic, and I hope I can see him again.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

My nana saying she bought me a car and is paying for my college, instead of being a greedy old-- 

Okay no, bad. 

Uhm, honestly? I’m not sure. I suppose getting a letter saying that my college was paid for, I’m... Not sure.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a desk, but it’s a fucking mess. I have a shelving thing and some drawers on it, but they’re all a mess, honestly I need to clean it. Also cups. And pens. Cup + Pen city.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Skype until it’s time to crash, wash my face, brush my teeth, fall down into my pillows.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Hmn... Probably how far away I’m planning on moving. My dad probably expects it, but mom... I think she has this illusion that I’ll stay in-state forever and I really can not do that.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Mmmm I think I’d go back to purple? Or purple and blonde? Maybe purple with blonde streaks in the bangs? Or pastel purple?

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Mmmm Kota, Jacob, Rayne... And then probably Kit and Cricket? We’d probably go to the gardens or the zoo, that sounds like something we’d all enjoy!

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

I wish to be closer (physically) to Rayne, so that we can comfort one another better in times of crises. 

I wish to be better at understanding emotions, so that I can better help those around me. 

I wish for a voice acting opportunity, so that I can follow my true passion. 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Hmm I really liked this one I had a few years ago. It was a witchy-esque dress, it had a hoop in the skirt that I took out, and then I did some soot-y makeup to go with it. 

I need to lose weight so I can wear it again...

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Oh uhm

I think falling out of my chair while on skype with Rayne was probably the worst thing I did while high, but I can’t remember much of that night. WAIT I TOOK A TEST WHILE SOMEWHAT HIGH DOES THAT COUNT

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Mmm, I would do a lot for that much. I guess kill / hurt an innocent animal, I’m bad but I’m not that bad.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Two Faced - Shannon Taylor (it’s suck in my head)... But as for a person, I can’t pick. I gotta have Jacob, Kota, and Rayne. I can’t pick one. 

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

Yes. 

It feels like everything clicks. It feels like conversation flowing like water. It feels like opening up faster than you ever have before. It feels like thinking about them at 3 am when you can’t sleep, but also at 8 am when you wake up, and noon when you’re busy in class. It feels like discomfort when you can’t check on them, and relief when they message. It feels like a warm bubble bath, every time you hear them laugh or see them smile. It feels right.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

I have really short hair, bitch.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Mmmm It depends. Right now I could go for a white chocolate mocha with an extra shot of espresso, oooor a PSL. And Kota could always order for me. 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

My own emotional progression, and my relationships (with Rayne, Jacob, and Kota). Anything else is second fiddle. 

[womenofcolor15]

DEVASTATING: Disney Star Cameron Boyce Dies At 20 After A Seizure + Yara Shahidi, Skai Jackson, Storm Reid & More Pay Tribute

In shocking and sad news, long time Disney star Cameron Boyce has passed away at the age of 20. More details inside...

Death is never easy, but it hits when different when it's unexpected. And especially when it's someone so young.

In very sad news, long time Disney star Cameron Boyce has reportedly passed away. He was 20-years-old.

According to a statement from his family, the 20-year-old "Jessie" and "Descendants" star died in his sleep due to complications from seizures and a previous medical condition. It's reported Cameron had a history of seizures.

“He passed away in his sleep due to a seizure which was a result of an ongoing medical condition for which he was being treated," a family spokesperson said in a statement. "The world is now undoubtedly without one of its brightest lights, but his spirit will live on through the kindness and compassion of all who knew and loved him. We are utterly heartbroken and ask for privacy during this immensely difficult time as we grieve the loss of our precious son and brother.”

          View this post on Instagram

                  Happy Father's Day to the man, the myth, the legend. Actually, scratch that. Happy Father's Day to the Smooth, the Big, the Peter. Love you Dad. (Don't think I'm adopted now, do you?)

A post shared by Cameron Boyce (@thecameronboyce) on Jun 18, 2017 at 11:57am PDT

  Cameron - who is biracial - started out acting at 9, starred in movies like Adam Sandler’s Grown Ups, and has been a staple on the Disney channel for several years. He has also been active in several different humanitarian efforts - from LA Housing organizations to issues that affect children. He was in the middle of filming a new HBO show titled, "Mrs. Fletcher."

          View this post on Instagram

                  HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA! You’re the axis my revolves around, love you infinitely.

A post shared by Cameron Boyce (@thecameronboyce) on Jun 4, 2019 at 6:50pm PDT

  Cameron recently posted a heartfelt messages to his father and grandmother and showed his closeness to his family.

          View this post on Instagram

                  When your Nana is a civil rights legend, you tag along to important events where she’s recognized, and take 8,000 pictures of her. Yesterday the Tennessee State Museum opened its doors. In the “Tennessee Transforms” section, they recognize the Clinton 12, the FIRST group of African Americans to desegregate an all white school in the south. She changed the WORLD. I love her and you should too.

A post shared by Cameron Boyce (@thecameronboyce) on Oct 5, 2018 at 10:13am PDT

    Aww.

Several folks Cameron has worked with poured their hearts out on social media following the news of his death, including Yara Shahidi, Storm Reid, Marsai Martin, Skai Jackson, and more:

          View this post on Instagram

                  Still in shock that we’ve lost this light I’ve known you since we were four and since that moment it has been clear how talented/ how kind/ how full of energy and love you are. One of our first jobs together I was princess jasmine and you were buzz lightyear which is apropos because throughout the years your brilliance has only grown stronger and more unstoppable. Your spirit has left an indelible impression on everyone lucky enough to know you and I’m grateful to be one of them sending so much love to the rest of your family and friends

A post shared by Yara Shahidi (@yarashahidi) on Jul 7, 2019 at 11:03am PDT

            View this post on Instagram

                  I didn't get the privilege to meet you, but I just want to simply say thank you for making an everlasting impact on my childhood. I wish I could have said that to your face, but you inspired so many, and we are forever thankful. I am praying so hard for your family, loved ones, and friends.

A post shared by Storm Reid (@stormreid) on Jul 7, 2019 at 1:14pm PDT

            View this post on Instagram

                  I’ve been thinking about this all day and I’m at a loss for words. Tears. I can’t seem to focus much. Last night I couldn’t sleep. Man, you were such a dope person to be around. My first ever celebrity crush, when I was 7 lol. I know you can feel all the love and support you’re getting from everyone. We will all miss you but we know you’re in a better place. Until we meet again rest well. #CameronBoyce

A post shared by Marsai Martin (@marsaimartin) on Jul 7, 2019 at 3:06pm PDT

                View this post on Instagram

                  I don’t even know where to start... I am at a loss for words. I never thought in a million years I would be writing this. Cam, you were one of a kind. My heart will be forever broken. I am so happy that I got to spend almost everyday with you on set, you gave the best hugs. I wish I would have hugged you tighter when I saw you a couple of months ago. Thank you so much for being the big brother I never had... I am so distraught and I cannot stop crying! I love you so much... fly high Gods best Angel . #CameronBoyce

A post shared by s k a i (@skaijackson) on Jul 7, 2019 at 3:09am PDT

            View this post on Instagram

                  Your timeline will be flooded with pics and videos of this amazing human! #CameronBoyce

A post shared by s k a i (@skaijackson) on Jul 7, 2019 at 12:07pm PDT

            View this post on Instagram

                  Right before #jessie #CameronBoyce Dancing With The Stars

A post shared by s k a i (@skaijackson) on Jul 7, 2019 at 9:38pm PDT

            View this post on Instagram

                  Cameron, cameron, cameron. Where do I begin? You were always such a vibrant person and you instantly made any dull room, bright. The last time I saw you in person was about 10 years ago, I always knew you would become big. My heart is really heavy today. I hope you’re finding some peace wherever you are. Thank you for making me want to become a better actress, and thank you for filling my Friday nights with laughter. Rest easy, Cam. sending my prayers, love, and condolences to the Boyce family

A post shared by Donshea Hopkins (@realdonshea) on Jul 7, 2019 at 5:33pm PDT

      My family and I are devastated today, by the loss of our young and amazing friend, Cameron Boyce. Years before I was blessed to play his father on JESSIE, we were blessed to know him and his wonderful family at the elementary school our kids all attended together./1

— Charles Esten (@CharlesEsten) July 7, 2019

            View this post on Instagram

                  My Love, Light and Prayers go out to Cameron and his Family. Cameron brought Love, Laughter and Compassion with him everyday I was in his presence. His talent, immeasurable. His kindness and generosity, overflowing. It has been an indescribable honor and pleasure to know and work with him. I will see you again in all things loving and beautiful my friend. I will search the stars for your light. Rest In Peace Cam. You will always be My Forever Boy!

A post shared by Kenny Ortega (@kennyortegablog) on Jul 6, 2019 at 7:42pm PDT

  Adam Sandler - who played Cameron's father in Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2 - also remembered the actor.

          View this post on Instagram

                  ‪Too young. Too sweet. Too funny. Just the nicest, most talented, and most decent kid around. Loved that kid. Cared so much about his family. Cared so much about the world. Thank you, Cameron, for all you gave to us. So much more was on the way. All our hearts are broken. Thinking of your amazing family and sending our deepest condolences.‬

A post shared by Adam Sandler (@adamsandler) on Jul 7, 2019 at 6:23am PDT

  Very unfortunate news. Our hearts and thoughts are with his loved ones.

R.I.P. Cameron.

Photo: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/07/08/devastating-disney-star-cameron-boyce-dies-at-20-after-a-seizure

[king-artoria]

100 Truths

Tagged by @propertyofaminus​ thank you <3

1. Real name : Saber

2. Nickname(s) : Nana

3. Fav. color: Warm tones

4. Male or female : neither and both

5. Nursery/Kindergarten : Don’t remember;

6. Primary School : RQ

7. Secondary :OLOM

8. College : MCC and then I’m gonna go onto another

9. Hair Color : Blonde

10. Tall or Short : Medium (5′6)

11. Sweats or Jeans : Jeans

12. Phone or Camera : Don’t phones almost always have cameras now? So, phone

13. Health freak : With my diet, more so. Otherwise I trust my immune system

14. Orange or Apple : both pls :’(

15. Do you have a crush on someone : its kinda past that point

16. Eat or Drink : eat

17. Piercings : Yes, earlobes

18. Pepsi or Coke: Coke I guess

19. Been in an airplane : Many many times

20. Been in a relationship : A few exes, yeah

21. Been in a car accident : A very small one

22. Been in a fist fight : No, though I taunted for one

23. First piercing : Earlobes at, like, 3 years old

24. Best friend(s): I don’t really know what constitutes a BFF anymore, but I have a few people who I feel close to more than others that came to mind

25. First award : Probably some swimming ribbon

26. First crush : Um... A kid named Max, I think, in 3rd grade

27. First word : I should ask

28. Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius 

29. Last person you texted : Dad

30. Last person you talked to: In call with @heartoverblade​ right now!

31. Last person you watched a movie with : @heartoverblade​ <3

32. Last food you ate : Some dried dates, carrots, slice of toast, and other small things for breakfast

33. Last movie you watched : Lord of the Rings The Two Towers

34. Last song you listened to : I think “song of waiting love” by aqours

35. Last thing you bought : Some groceries including a moon fest red bean bun

37. Fav Food : I love sweets...................

38. Fav Drink : I love waterbut cranberry juice is so nice

39. Fav Bottoms : What does this mean.........? Clothes? I like skirts’ appearance, but jeans are tight in a comforting way and I feel like I can get things done in them

40. Fav Flower : I like tiger lilies, star lilies, sunflowers, and hibiscus

41. Fav Animal : Elephants;;; I really love so many though

42. Color/s : This is above, isn’t it? I’m wearing red atm. Favorites are warm tones from red to yellow

43. Fav Movie : Castle in the Sky

44. Fav Subject : Living and natural sciences

HAVE YOU EVER:

(Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [x] fallen in love with someone.

46. [x]celebrated Halloween.

47. [x] had your heart broken

48. [ ] went over the data on your cell phone.

49. [x] had someone like you

51. [ ] got pregnant. 

52. [ ] had an abortion. 

53. [x] did something I regret.

54. [x] broke a promise.

55. [x] hid a secret.

56. [x] pretended to be happy.

57. [x] met someone who changed your life.

58. [x] pretended to be sick.

59. [X] left the country.

60. [ ] tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it

61. [X] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [X] ran a mile.

63. [x] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [x] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [x] disliked someone.

66. [ ] stayed single for 2 years since the first time you had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating : just finished breakfast

68. Drinking : water

69. Listening : To a Youtube vid with Assassin - playthrough of Heavy Rain

70. Sitting/Laying : Sitting at the desk

71. Plans for today: Watching Heavy Rain and then Princess Tutu with friends

72. Waiting for : ASSASSIN IS COMING TO THE USA AND ITS GONNA BE 2 WEEKS UNTIL AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids : I’m adverse but adopting is a good option

74. Want to get married : Yes

75. Career : Language - related

76. Lips or eyes : Lips...;;;;;;;;;

77. Shorter or Taller : Me? I think I’m done growing, but I don’t prefer short or tall people. 

78. Romantic or spontaneous : Romantic..

81. Hook-up or relationship : Relationship

82. Looks or personality: Both are imporant.

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts : I have lost my glasses;

84. Snuck out of a house : Sorta? Left home without permission when parents were away

85. Held a gun/knife for self defense : No, I don’t trust myself

86. Killed somebody : Not directly, but we are all connected, so I may have been a mental factor without knowing. I’ve been involved in some scary things, so I... Can’t be sure, but I’ve never tried or encouraged death

87. Broken someone’s heart : Yes, several

88. Been in love : Yes, several poisonous ones, but I have a very healthy one now

89. Cried when someone died : ... mm, I don’t for natural deaths

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself : I must

91. Miracles : It’s called luck. Yes

92. Love at first sight : It’s called infatuation, which is in the category of love for many people

93. Heaven : Don’t have a clue but I’ll accept what comes

94. Santa Claus: Spirit of giving so yes

95. Aliens: Likely, also likely we will never ever see them

96. Ghosts : we decay into other things that can grow into others so, in a way, yes

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you really want to be with right now : Yes *^^*

98. Do you know who your real friends are : Yes *^^*

100. Post as 100 truths : All are honest and true

TAGGING:  @tohsaka-rin​ @ransa @knightclassarcher @caren-ortensia @foxbitch <3 Do if you want to, please!

[killjoytoxicberry]

In yet another tag, this time by your friendly internet avian @dead-nightingale I answer a hella ton of questions that I’m not going to tag a whole 25 people in because I don’t know that many people, the people I would normally tag have been tagged already, and I think alot of people don’t like these! Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST…

1. Drink: apple juice

2. Phone call: my dad

3. Text message: my friend Ian

4. Song you listened to: Castle On The Hill (I could have sworn the lyrics where ‘cars along the hill’ not ‘castle on the hill’)

5. Time you cried: I teared up in the car earlier does that count

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: nope

7. Been cheated on: thankfully no

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: never been kissed

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: I mean, I’ve never been medically diagnosed but sometimes I really wonder but if you mean have I ever felt then yeah I would say so

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no and I hope I will never

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. Blue(s)

13. Green(s)

14. Black and White

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: probably not? I mean I’ve talked to people and been friendly but I don't know if it would classify as friendship?

16. Fallen out of love:  probably, with fictional characters/shows.

17. Laughed until you cried: Yeah definitely, it’s the best feeling late at night on the internet when you should be asleep but you get a feeling of summer freedom where you can do whatever you want and god its such a nice feeling.

18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don’t think so, its definitely happened but I haven’t found out about it.

19. Met someone who changed you: We haven’t met within a year but we’re gotten to know each other better and then yeah.

20. Found out who your true friends are: No, I don’t think that’ll ever be clear

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I do not do the facebook

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: see 21.

23. Do you have any pets: my mom’s fish just dies, so no.

24. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes, but I think I’ll be fine as long as nicknames exist.

25. What did you do for your last birthday: Not sure, I think my parents just forced me out of the house and took me to my favorite sushi place and then the mall (didn’t get anything though, just went into shops) and then I helped make my birthday dinner which we ate along with my cake that I made the night before (I’ve made it a tradition to make myself a cheesecake for my cake since middle school I think)

26. What time did you wake up: surprisingly early today, 8 AM. I was on a couch mattress at my nana’s and it wasn’t that comfortable.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: playing mysme and reading http://archiveofourown.org/works/592629/chapters/1066944

28. Name something you cannot wait for: the moment in life when I feel actual motivation to do something

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago when I was being scolded about math grades that just came in

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my personality? I feel like another person would deal with life in a better way than I’ve been probably.

31. What are you listening to right now: On The Spot #100 again because Jon Risinger.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Riddle, yes, but it was very one sided. (actually we went to get subs yesterday and there was a lovely old man named Tom who was chatting my brother up while my mom was looking for chips. We wanted to get chicken tender subs but they were out so we god cold cut and he rang it up as the sandwich that was on sale at the time because we waited to see if they other employee was going to get the chicken but she just slowly continued working on whole fired chicken)

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that no employer will hire me

34. Most visited website: Youtube or AO3

35. Elementary: My dear Watson? Idk I moved halfway through second grade and spent half a year at one school before switching to a better one only a few minuted farther away.

36. High School: currently in, starting senior year in the fall. I go to a different one than my siblings because mine has a culinary academy.

37. College/university: No idea what to do with this, will burn that bridge when we come to it.

38. Hair colour: brown

39. Long or short hair: medium atm but am planning to get it cut soon hopefully.

40. Do you have a crush on someone: fictional, yeah.

41. What do you like about yourself: hair, physically, and my cosplay ability I like to take pride in.

42. Piercings: one in each ear, but they’re rarely used anymore

43. Blood type: Idk but I want to find out

44. Nickname: Several but I haven't been around any of my friends who use them in a while so I cant think of any

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac sign: Leo

47. Pronouns: she/her, cis

48. Favourite TV show: atla, they still show it, so it counts.

49. Tattoos: none, but plan to, if i can ever decide on anything

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: none that I know of

52. Piercing: ears when I was so young

54. Sport: basketball, but only because my mom wanted me to be active.

55. Vacation: too young idk, but I remember visiting family in Maryland in the winter and there was snow any I tried to eat ice with dirt on it but my dad told me not to but I licked it when he wasn’t looking.

56. Pair of trainers: no idea

57. Eating: how are we supposed to remember any of this?

58. Drinking: My mom’s Mike’s Hard Lemonade, but only a tiny sip and I don’t remember what it tastes like.

59. I’m about to: go to bed probably

60. Listening to: OTS ended so now, ‘Lost in Thoughts All Alone’ Amalee English ver. on loop.

61. Waiting for: a will to live  motivation

62. Want: love, platonic or romantic idc just somthing special and comforting with another human being. I f not that then at least a cat that loves me.

63. Get married: maybe, it seems like a bit of a hassle? But I heard there are benefits, so if we need those, or if my partner wants to.

64. Career: none currently, and too indecisive to have a clear idea of what I want.

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: I feel like I’d be too nervous to try kisses until I’m really comfortable, but I absolutely love hugs ok like a lot

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller, I like being a bit shorter

68. Older or younger: I used to only think same age was an option but I don’t have a preference.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice stomach, I feel like I’d like to lay down together and use it as a pillow

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: I would be ok with a hook up, but I want a relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker, I feel like I’m too hesitant. I need someone to be able to drag me out to do things without making me hate them.

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: nope

75. Drank hard liquor?: does the lemonade sip count

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: I have neither but my brothers have

77. Turned someone down: I kind of didn't give an actual answer until I felt bad enough to say yes but I ended it soon after.

78. Sex on first date: nonononono I don’t think anything I have will turn out like that anyway thankfully but no

79. Broken someone’s heart: I broke up with someone, but I’m almost certain he only asked me out because he wanted to annoy my brother and he just wanted a girlfriend and he was too chill about it so no.

80. Had your heart broken: I have never approached someone are you kidding me, conceal don’t feel don’t let it show

81. Been arrested: yeah no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: I keep wondering if I have but then I think “why do you always do this you are friends and reading too much into this”

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: people actually do that?

85. Miracles: I use the phrase but I don’t believe in anything “divine’ so no

86. Love at first sight: I don’t think you can truly fall in love with someone if you don’t know them...

87. Santa Claus: yes

88. Kiss on the first date: on the cheek for goodbye

89. Angels: not in reality, but I love reading about them

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: Aly

91. Eye colour: brown

92. Favourite movie: 2003 live action Peter Pan

I lied I’m gonna tag three people ok fight me

@neofox0 @paytonbriauna @littlebitofanutcase

[chorapper]

Get to know me tag!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

Tagged by: @sweetheartwonho​ thank you so much sweetie!!

I tag: not 20 people ofc lmao but i’ll tag @sofiesakura​, @shawol-nana​, @honungsbin​, @monstaim​, @socke3133​, @kkngie​, @hyukbinnie​, @delicatelykeenbouquet​, @pink-kyun​, @fyhjjxxn​ !! doing this is optional ofc

THE LAST: 1. Drink: cherry juice i got from my grandma!! 2. Phone call: my boss 3. Text message: my dad 4. Song you listened to: atlas hands (thomas jack remix) by benjamin francis leftwich (highly recommended summer song!!) 5. Time you cried: today, while rewatching the last episode of stranger things with my sister lmao

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: unlikely since my last relationship was when we were 12 9. Lost someone special: yea 10. Been depressed: i think i was at the borderline at some point but managed to avoid it luckily 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: lmao i have never drunk in my life

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: black, orange, dark gray/blueish

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: i have!! a lot actually 16. Fallen out of love: nope 17. Laughed until you cried: lmao many times 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah but in a good way 19. Met someone who changed you: a lot of ppl 20. Found out who your friends are: yep 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: well, my family??

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all but like..........3 from when my sis and i had a super junior fanpage 5 years ago and they were admins 23. Do you have any pets: a budgie (curry, but i call him pepe) and a leopard gecko (gollum)!! my babies 24. Do you want to change your name: nah i like it 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: were in school lmao and got embarrassed bc my classmates sang for me 26. What time did you wake up: i think around 10 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: checking monsta x memes on instagram jkfhlgsfdjg  28. Name something you can’t wait for: idk if i’m longing for an own apartment or a trip to korea or smth so i can see mx lmao (or my first paycheck........idk) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: around 5-6 hours ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my shyness when i meet new people/talk to people i haven’t rly opened up to yet.....basically to be able to chitchat and make small talk and make friends quicker 31. What are you listening right now: kkpp by miso (i love her!! she’s so cute and charismatic and the song is amazing!!) 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: does tomas count?nope 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my dad nagging me to clean my room lmao but he has a point tho 34. Most Visited Website: probably tumblr youtube or fb................or google?? 35. Mole/s: some here and there ofc but i have 10ish in the middle of my right wrist in a like............cluster and idek if those are moles or freckles tbh lmao 36. Mark/s: a surgical scar under my right boob, one scar on my leg, a scar from a needle on my palm, a scar under my lip 37. Childhood dream: i wanted to be a lot of things, but the ironic thing is that i was 100% sure that i would NOT be an electrician bc it’s dangerous as hell but hey lmao guess what i’m working as right now  38. Hair color: dirty blonde 39. Long or short hair: long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no i don’t think i can call it a crush 41. What do you like about yourself: i’m observant, i’m doing well at my job, i have cute ears that makes me look like an elf when i let my hair down  42. Piercings: one in each ear 43. Bloodtype: idk lmao  44. Nickname: one of my friends call me melina, my co-worker calls me “lill-bruttan” which basically means “the little chick” (we are only three girls out of ca 85 workers and she refers to herself as “bruttan” and since i’m younger than her........well i became the little bruttan) 45. Relationship status: too busy working for a relationship lmao nooo i’m too shy to talk to any1 46. Zodiac: virgo 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: the blacklist, stranger things, person of interest, the mentalist 49. Tattoos: none atm but will probably get one after my first pay!! i’m thinking about something to do with my zodiac, ruling planetor element or some star constellation OR a moon glyph bc they’re so pretty!! 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: removal of a birthmark and when i got borrelia the doctors did something with my overly swollen knee but i don’t rly know exactly what bc i was like 11 52. Hair dyed in different color: not atm but two years ago i dyed my tips pink  53. Sport: equestrianism!! i’ve been horseback riding since i was 6 (i’m on break due to allergy treatment atm tho and i criiiii)   55. Vacation: east asia!! or some place with nice diving spots so i can finally learn diving lmao 56. Pair of trainers: um............i think i have like 6 pairs??

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: nothing 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: go brush my teeth 61. Waiting for: my work phone to start functioning 62. Want: to explore the ocean and wrecks and fish and creatures and reeves and underwater caves and stuff!! 63. Get married:  yeaaaaa with someone who’d be both my romantic partner and my best friend!! 64. Career: electrician atm but i’d like to be an underwater archaelogist or work with zodiacs and stars and such

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: idk neither? lmao no but it depends on the person, i’m not a skinship person so i think i’d only be 100% comfortable if it’d be my s/o but with other’s then hugs probably 66. Lips or Eyes: eyes bc they tell more than lips (lmao cheesy n deep but rly 67. Shorter or taller: taller 68. Older or Younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: don’t rly care 71. Sensitive or loud: both 72. Hook-up or Relationship: relationship ofc 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: something in between

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: no  75. Drank hard liquor: nope 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: sunglasses yes 77. Turned someone down: nooo i would’ve wanted to but i didn’t want to hurt him (again we were 12) 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: possible 80. Had your heart broken: nope 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: ofc 83. Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: depends on how i’m feeling 85. Miracles: no i don’t think so....or maybe idk haven’t given it much thought 86. Love at first sight: i can’t myself but i’m sure it’s possible for others!! 87. Santa Claus: nope 88. Kiss on the first date: why not, if it feels right then just do it i guess 89. Angels: kinda?

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: i rarely call them their real names lmao but Ragge (real name Leia), Bob (Fidan), Scoop (Zurima), Bae (Anneli), Floof (Sofie), Daniielen (Daniela), Noodle (Bano), Majstången/Majblomman (Maja) 91. Eyecolor: blue/grey 92. Favorite movie: marvel movies!! and other action movies like robocop!! and lotr, hobbit and such 

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Some of us don't have grandparents.

So, listen to Nana as she speaks with her comfort and understanding care and love.

She speaks to us all from her heart with love.

I am quite sure she is worried about us all in this world.

If you don't know she took the throne during WWII after her father died. He had only one lung. And she was only 18.

So, she understands the complete hardship of losing a dearly loved one then having to not only keep herself reigned in emotionally but also have to care for many nations.

At the young bright age she was... Still a child in so many ways. Having to be the most wise of all as Queen.

She understands the pain and suffering the Earth will go through.

I will not speak for her and say she knows its for the best. But she does understand war. And WWII was about human trafficking. Aliens are about human trafficking. And I would say if i did speak for her as i understand she understands that many people are innocent of crimes. And she definitely understands that not all of us humans are criminals. Because she is wise. And she is kind. And she is loving.

I know she understands we are in sensitive time for our emotional well being.

I found comfort in her message.

While I do not display it often as I am a Fighter, this is difficult for me. Staying home is a breeze but watching the world around me... Its difficult... It could be So much easier. I don't want to use force except to rescue victims

But it is complex when hospitals are creating their own victims by working as they do -- to save lives. That is why I said what I did as I did. Had I not y'all wouldn't had taken it to heart So deeply. I hope y'all are listening and are stopping through ventilators. Because the longer they are used the longer we are prisoners in our own homes.

It is the hospitals that are in control of this war. If protocol to prescribe bronchitis medication for people wanting to be treated for COVID then sending them home and allowing law enforcement to take over to remove bodies or whatever protocol is set for each particular city then we will be stuck at home forever.

Places like Roswell, New Mexico. Unfortunately have a high alien body count and they were initially idealised the,families would have to remove the bodies of the dead themselves and take them to a parking lot where a freezer truck was waiting. I knew with my back it would be impossible to,carry a man on my own even putting him on a blanket to,drag him would hurt me, a human. At that time i was married to an alien from Planet long name Z not Zulululu. And so they decided "If Queen should define it a hardship for her then we must define it a hardship for the whole world. Her ruling. We will use the Military" it took 10 minutes to decide.

They wanted to yet not quite punish humans who support alien life by marriage or friendship.

So that is on my mind often. Especially with the hospital staff.

What I posted about Pakistan from ABC something similar will occur inside hospitals when the Military is directed to take over hospitals by force.

I alluded to that fact. So y'all must stop catering to alien and evil human life. You must.

I've said it at least 3 times this week. I'm warning you

I'm not asking. I'm warning you. You have to stop.

I know by the end of April if it is continuing -- the extra care for aliens. The time spent when you could be doing something Completely different -- Like taking care of you Or your family or a DNA4U friend listed personnel for your livelihood, health and well being or being happy and well rested -- the Military will take over to ensure that.

It could occur sooner.

Yes torturing evil is great. But far too many are being treated and released which means that the bronchial care should have been done, the patient sent home to activate family So the family can die together to reunite on their Home Planet within an acceptable time frame.

Plus some are not to be tortured on the respirators or ventilators.

You see the prolonging of this event Is based on healthcare actions.

All that is allowed to be prescribed is an inhaler for cough because coughing causes pain. Aspirin for migraines and other assorted pain which replaces the need for cocaine to think regularly on their own like planet Mount Zulululu.

That's it. Its low cost and in stock for high demand.

Since I'm telling you over and over. Today is April 7. I give you 13 days.

It should take no less than 4 to see a difference in hospitals and their adjustments and so the Military is then only responsible to take away full trucks of dead.

4 days. That's it. Administration has the information.

Its Tuesday. By Saturday y'all should got this down. That gives you 9 days to say "military, we're ok we got it now, we just need a hug."

I think that's fair.

Luckily I own Earth. Because the solution I heard was to blow up hospitals with everyone including nurses inside.

I said "let the Military. We will clean them up first Then they will be clean enough to be suitable for hospitals and will maintain quality as they are more qualified for warfare than nurses and doctors whom don't expect to be on the front lines of WWIII"

Now the Military will come in and they will rescue all victims of WWIII front line for a 3 week paid by "me" vacation of time and a half. Including administration.

The Times for vacation do vary. And metropolitan areas will go first.

Now essential employees at stores and restaurants, hang on. We're coming for you. You'll take your turn. Same. 3 weeks. But double and a half pay. Because some of you only make $2.37 per hour.

Believe it or not y'all Sonic gets away with paying car hops only $2.37 and assistant managers make only $12 per hour. I'm not kidding. Its a dam shame. My cousins son I post with in Insta. His name is also Alex. Started working there at 17. I took him to his job on his first day. Started at $2.37 worked his way up to assistant manager. Been there 3 years. Sometimes he doesn't have a day off for weeks and that was how he earned assistant manager.

Everyone complains about money. Don't compare yourself to the person next to, in front of or behind you. Be grateful for what you have.

We aren't here to drink the alien juice of negativity.

Those of you whom are stuck at home just testing with Trees. You'll earn 50% more.

So if I give you $5 on it. Youll get half plus the amount. So that is $7.50 I'll still only say five because then if i simply say $7.50 then it's gonna be 50% on top... So no. I'm told it will start this week's test and continue for 3 weeks. So for three next 3 tests. Then stop after the 3rd test. And also any payments between this weekend's test and the 3rd will be 50%

Trees may Easter Egg surprise you with double payments for every one. Don't go hunting tho, he will just give it to Yall.

So that is 1.5 times two for stay homes and 1 times two for essential employees.

So that's a payment that is overall times 3 for stay homes and then 2x for going outers. Tree says that those who are not behaving for a stay homer will be times 2. Not 3.

Like store trips everyday or seeing aliens and not admitting to it. Stuff like that. So that's only for Easter Egg. All else is standard.

So y'all apparently know already about that -- that he works that way i mean...

That's all i have for now.

Enjoy Nana's message.

[twdeamspace]

Cancer sucks.

5 years ago (March 8) I was driving to work when I received a phone call I had been impatiently waiting for. A phone call from my doctor, confirming my worst fear, that I had cancer. That drive was only 23 miles, but might as well have been 1000. News like that does funny things to people. I think I laughed as much as I cried. I’m sure anyone who passed me on the freeway thought I was losing my mind. I probably was. At 26 years old, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I was healthy. The radiologist had found a tumor a right above my heart at 10cm in size. He made sure I was aware that Hodgkin lymphoma (also called Hodgkin’s lymphoma and previously known as Hodgkin’s disease) is one of the most curable forms of cancer. Having that positive information made this giant pill easier to swallow. I was sick, but I wasn’t going to die. Telling my loved ones was incredibly hard. I’ve always said, it was easier being the sick one. Had it been someone close to me, I don’t think I would have been as strong. Once diagnosed, my team of doctors and nurses didn’t waste any time. First off was a series of tests to determine if the cancer had spread any where else in my body and to make sure I could handle the aggressive treatment. These tests included a Pulminary Function Test, CT scan, PET scan, MUGA and bone marrow sample retrieval (ouch). Once these were completed I was sent to the hospital to get my portacath. This simple surgery is where they insert a device right under the skin, which makes it easy for the chemo to be administered. My cousin Julie, lovingly helped me name that POS Portencia…which sounds like an evil step-sister from some Disney movie. Once the procedure was complete I was sent home. The following week my infusions would begin. The next day (Saturday) I was driving to my hair-dresser friend Tonya’s house. I had always wanted to try a pixie cut. With the high possibility of losing my hair, I thought, why not try it now?! I was almost to her house when I received a call from my surgeon. This is odd, I thought, when I answered the phone. He was calling me on a Saturday, from his cell phone, this isn’t good. He asked what I was doing and if I had eaten anything that morning. From there he proceeded to tell me that on reviewing the radioactive PET scan I had Friday afternoon, he saw some complications relating to the portacath. First of all, the tumor itself was very large and was encroaching on everything in my upper chest, pushing things around and out of position. The vein that the catheter was supposed to feed was being impeded by the tumor so there was no way it was going to work to carry the chemo where it needed to go. Further, the catheter had moved into the space where my right lung is and my right lung was deflating. The doctor said I needed to come in to the hospital right away. Within an hour of arriving at RVMC emergency, later that afternoon they were wheeling me down to the O.R. The doctor showed my Mom the PET scan so she could see what he was talking about. He showed her how they would try to move the catheter into a favorable position so it could serve its purpose, perhaps even trying to come from a different angle through a new incision on the other side of my chest. The surgery would take about an hour. An hour and twenty minutes later, he came out and said that the tumor size and position was just not going to allow for that catheter to work there. They had to remove it and they would plan on installing a picc-line into my upper arm where chemo could be administered. The thing that needed to happen ASAP was for us to start shrinking that tumor, and the quickest way to do that is to get the chemo going. Making matters worse, during the surgery I started bleeding into my chest cavity and once they got that under control they had to install a chest tube through my ribs and out to drain any additional blood and fluid. They kept me sedated during the night so I wouldn’t wake up and start pulling at any tubes. I spent Saturday night in CCU on a ventilator, and needed a couple of units of blood. I spent Sunday and all of the last night in considerable pain from the chest tube. I wasn’t able to sleep, and even morphine every two hours wasn’t enough to help me conquer the pain. Monday morning they removed the tube. Having the tube was bad, but trying to recover from that tube was even worse. I then had an electrocardiogram; and they installed a picc-line into my arm. While placing the picc into my arm, the nurse casually said, “I’m sorry this is happening to you. You know, you may not be able to have children after this.” What?! How could she mention such a serious matter so casually. Was this true?! I was 26, in a serious relationship, on the path to marriage, and may not be able to have kids? Would he want me any longer? Was I defective? All things I was thinking while I quietly sat there, needle in my arm, tears in my eyes. From there I was placed in a “regular” room, and released that next Wednesday. Aside from a few yucky side effects, my chemo was text book. It was double the doses each infusion because my oncologist wanted to be swift in eliminating the tumor. 12 rounds of chemo, and I would be healthy again. My first treatment, my mom sat by my side. My Nana showed up shortly after with a calendar. This calendar had pages and pages of the most beautiful places in the world. Beaches in the Maldives, deserts in the Middle East, and jungles in South America. One of the pages was of Machu Picchu. I turned to that page right away and told my Nana and Mom that this is one place I wanted to visit. My Nana quickly ripped the page right out of the calendar, folded it up neatly, and handed it to me. She told me, when I was completed with treatment, and in remission, I would have to go. I kept that picture with me everywhere I went that year, in my purse. With a firm goal in mind. Throughout my treatment I had my Mom, Nana, and husband (boyfriend at the time) to name a few, by my side. My Dad even helped me financially so I didn’t have to worry about getting my bills paid, because at the time I was in outside sales. The support from my tribe made me focused and kept me positive. Unfortunately, disease creates distance for some loved ones. Distance because sickness makes people uncomfortable. It’s not because they don’t love you, or don’t think about you, but because they don’t know HOW to be around you. Don’t know what to say. OR How to be there. I recently read about a woman who created empathy cards, she wished she had received during treatment. These are SO on point. One reads, “Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason. I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Another reads, “I promise to never refer to your illness as a Journey…unless someone takes you on a cruise.” One more, “When life gives you lemons, I won’t tell you a story about my cousin’s friend who died of lemons.” LOVE ALL OF THESE! She even collaborated with a compassion expert and wrote a book on how to become more emotionally intelligent and how to appropriately comfort and support someone who is ill. You can find it here. When someone you care about gets sick, don’t just offer to help. EVERYONE and THEIR NEIGHBOR does this. It’s empty. Actually say what you are going to do, and follow-through. My Nana would randomly come by with dinner. My mom, made it to EVERY SINGLE treatment. My husband, told me I was beautiful as I pulled out clumps of hair. These are the things that matter. These are the things they will remember. Fast forward… One year after I finished treatment, my love and I made it to Peru. We hiked up Machu Picchu then even higher to Huayna Picchu, he took a knee, and promised to love me the rest of my life. 4 years ago TODAY, I walked through the doors at Hematology Oncology cancer free. I can still smell the chemicals and taste the saline, feel the aches and the hot flashes. But it is over. I am forever indebted to my family and friends for holding me up, and to the nurses and doctors for helping me fight. To all the people I met along the way that didn’t make it, I think about you often. I promise, I will do my best not to squander this precious time I have been blessed with. You’re with me everyday. Since my last infusion I have become a wife and a mother, and couldn’t be happier with this life I have been given.

from WordPress http://joyandlulu.com/2017/08/22/a-day-to-remember/

[adamandbrittanyinhawaii]

Day 12 - May 27th

We may only have about 36 hours left in our trip but that doesn’t mean we aren’t packing it full!  Today’s adventure: a day-long bike tour around Kyoto!  This city has so many temples and shrines that it is a bit overwhelming to go and try to visit them on your own.  After all, how do you know which ones are worth seeing and which ones aren’t?  So having someone provide the highlights for you while also explaining it all in English and getting exercise is a complete win for us.  One of my favorite activities I did in Berlin was the bike tour through the city, complete with a stop at a beer garden for lunch.  I thought we may be able to recapture that magic in Kyoto.

After dropping our bags off (again!) at the train station we headed to the bike tour shop.  Our tour group was relatively compact with an older couple from the Netherlands, a family of 4 from Florida and us.  It was an interesting dynamic because of course the Europeans knew what they were doing on a bike since everyone in that country is a daily biker and we’ve gotten comfortable with biking in Hawaii.  Juxtaposed to that was the family from Florida who flat out seemed lost on bikes because we would cruise at 6-7 mph and they would still fall behind. It was boggling.  

Anyways, our first stop on the tour was the West Pagoda gate.  Interesting fact is that Tokyo and Kyoto are anagrams, but there is a reason.  When translating to English Kyo-To is just 2 symbols meaning “Imperial Capital”.  To-Kyo then means Capital East.  It was established as the modern capital a few hundred years ago, hence the name.  Another interesting fact is that the West Pagoda Gate used to be the Eastern Pagoda Gate, but the other one got taken down and the city ended up developing farther east than anticipated, making this gate the Western side of the city by relative position.

Japan was actually a very insulated culture until the mid 1800’s when they decided to open up to the rest of the world.  Once they moved away from the Imperial system slowly western influences began to move in which is why Tokyo was more or less created so that it would enable more shipping and prompt contact with foreign countries.

When one visits Europe you are overwhelmed by the influence of Christianity and Catholicism.  However in Japan you are overwhelmed by the unique mixture of 2 religions: Shinto and Buddhism.  Buddhism needs no introduction since it is one of the largest religions in the world but what is strange as that the most common practice in Japan is to combine it with Shinto, not choose “either/or”.  So holidays get conflated and people can actively practice rituals of one faith and be doing the other 24 hours later.  It would strike me as strange to come across someone doing this but for an entire culture, well let’s just say I don’t know if another country functions like this in the world.

Along the route of our journey we made many stops, obviously so many that I’m not even bothering detailing them here for you, rather just sharing history and stories.  With all these stops we have the chance to fill our brains with all sorts of info.  Our guide decided to teach us how to count to ten.  Are you ready?  1 = Itchy, 2 = Knee, 3 = Son, 4 = She, 5 = Go, 6 = Roku, 7 = Nana, 8 = Hachee, 9 = Cue & 10 = Jew.  Obviously we have no clue how to write this in Japanese but we can at least say them now. Here’s the kicker: there are literally dozens of numbering systems in Japan though and it all depends upon what you are describing.  So in effect all we learned was how to count to ten in one very specific way.  This country is full of surprises!

Our next stop was at an interesting temple. Basically this man tried to incite a coup, failed and when he was banished he died and it was believed that the bad luck that fell on the government and people in the years that followed was a curse from this man!  So naturally, they built a temple to worship this guy!  The temple has oxen everywhere because the man died with an ox.  

Inside the Shisenen temple are a few ingenious games, er, I mean, worship rituals that people pay money for.  One is a can that you tip upside down and a stick slides out with a number.  Whatever the number is you go and share it with a guy at the desk and for 300 yen he will tell you your fortune.  Another one is for a fee you can come hang sheets of paper in the temple to cast wishes for the upcoming full moon.  If none of that strikes your fancy you can always through a few coins in the box when you go bow at the temple.  Not too shabby of a business, I mean, religion.

The next stop was at the Golden Pavilion which is a gilded pagoda.  I guess the monk that initially painted it gold was thought a fool but now it is the most famous temple in Kyoto, or at least most popular for tourists, so perhaps they feel differently now.  The group was given free roam to take pictures, get some snacks and use the restroom so we broke away and had some fun taking way more pictures than can be considered normal.  While doing so, a group of middle school girls and their teacher approached and they asked us if it would be okay to ask us a few questions to practice their English. It was pretty cool to see them reading the English off the page they prepared while struggling through it.  I could totally relate from when I learned Spanish.  Anyways, we took some pictures afterwards with them as evidence to their teacher that they spoke with someone.  In Hawaii this happens in reverse quite often with students seeking out Japanese tourists in Waikiki to ask them questions in Japanese for practice.

After stopping for lunch in the park we continued onto the part of town we had dressed up and did tea at a few days ago.  This area is famous for the Geisha Girls that study in the area.  Geisha Girls, contrary to popular stereotypes, are very sophisticated and knowledgeable entertainers.  They are almost like how royal families basically exist nowadays for high society, almost like something out of a movie.  There is a formal apprenticeship that occurs before becoming a Geisha and it is extremely costly, not only in terms of dollars, but it is a lifelong commitment.  It can be seen though as one of the first feminist movements as Geisha promotes self-sufficiency for women.  

We finished the day at another famous spot: the Fushimi Inari Shrine. Marked by the path of over 5,000 orange gates (which of course are all sponsored by corporate entities) this shrine is dedicated to prosperity.  What marks prosperity in Japan? Rice (insert eye rolling here).  So the fox has rice balls in its mouth or will have a key which unlocks the cellar where you store rice and on and on it goes.  Inari is the Shinto god of rice so it all checks out but I just can’t fathom the love for rice here.  If we had more time, there is a really cool hike through this shrine and it’s orange gates that leads up a mountain.  It takes several hours to complete but is supposedly gorgeous at the top.

As for things we learned on our ride today that I couldn’t fit in elsewhere, there are symbols for big and small in Japan.  These are the symbols that have perplexed me on the toilets for 2 weeks now and it all makes sense: it is for when you need a small flush or a bigger flush!

Today we learned a little bit about why there are no trash cans. Apparently ~20 years ago a terrorist attack was carried out by putting bombs in trash cans which led to the country getting rid of a lot of trash cans for safety.  After 9/11 happened, that was enough for them to justify almost completely eradicating trash cans from public life.  

One thing I still haven’t had explained to me though is why nobody wears athletic gear or even shorts.  It is almost like there is an agreed upon dress code here.  Even business men look to be in uniform  as all suits and dress shirts are essentially the exact same color.  

One last thing that I’ll remember from the tour is our guide who was a French national living here because he knocked up his girlfriend 20 years ago who was from Kyoto and stayed to raise the kid.  That’s unremarkable, what was amazing is that Japan consistently produces the best workers and highest productivity per capita of any country and yet he, like every other Parisian I’ve ever met, had some hot takes about how the French way is superior and other people are idiots.  So he explained to us how his sons went to French schools in Kyoto because the Japanese don’t know how to school kids properly.  I’ll never understand and I’ll certainly never agree with French smugness.  It’s exhausting.

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Christmas with Nana: The Joys of Giving and Giving Back

We called our grandmother on my mother’s side ��Nana.” Nana was a widow for most of my life. Back in 1965, my grandfather died when I was about two-years-old. Nana supported herself after that, and although she worked a full-time job, she was poor. She lived in a one-bedroom apartment overlooking Lake Erie. She enjoyed the simple pleasures: watching the boats float on the water, entertaining her family on the weekends, swimming alone at midnight in the apartment’s tiny swimming pool.

How did we know Nana was poor?

She didn’t have enough money to do her laundry at the laundromat, so she did it in her bathtub. After she washed the clothes, she’d hang them up on the shower curtain bar. She drove a very old car that had a hole in the floorboard. She often remarked that she could see the ground pass as she drove along. To compensate for this, she covered the hole with an antique oriental rug, an artifact from wealthier days. She worked 40 hours a week as a photographer at a department store in a suburb of Cleveland. Nana didn’t make much money at this.

Despite the fact that we knew she was poor, we never really understood how poor she was because she always served us Fritos, chip dip and Ginger ale when we went to visit on Friday nights. This junk food was a luxury for us because our parents didn’t splurge on extras. Nana found enough cash to cook us big spaghetti dinners. She loved to flavor the pasta with big chunks of pork; it was heavenly.

And at Christmas, she always found a way to give us each a $20.00 bill. Every Christmas, we’d open up our cards, and out would fly our 20. Since I had two brothers, a mom and a dad, this meant that she gave our family a total of $100.00 every Christmas.

This doesn’t sound like much today, but back then, it was a lot.

Pretty soon, we grew up and got our own jobs.  

I’ll never forget the Christmas my brother Tim decided to pay Nana back for some the 20s she had handed out over the years.

By this time, it was the 1980s. Tim was working as a machinist, and he was bringing in a decent wage. Quietly, without telling anyone, he bought a Christmas card and stuck ten $20 bills inside.

That Christmas, my mother cooked the holiday dinner, as usual — ham, turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, coleslaw and cranberries. Not to mention cookies, bars and pecan pie for dessert. Mom did go all out at Christmas. We gorged ourselves, and then, it came time to open presents.

We took turns opening the gifts, oohing and ahhing over each one. I remember I got a leather bomber jacket, which was in style back then.

And then, it came time for Nana to open her gift from Tim. 

Of course, Nana thought that Tim had simply given her a card that year. She was very unassuming.

Before she opened the greeting card, she read the outside.

“You’ve been very nice this year, little girl.” She chuckled. Then, she opened the card. Out flew the 10 $20.00 bills onto her lap.

“Oh, Timmy,” she said. She looked him straight in the eye and said, “You didn’t.”

“All those years, you gave us each $20.00, and it was a sacrifice. I wanted to return the favor.”

Nana started to cry. “You are really something,” she said through her tears.  

“Read the inside of the card,” Tim said.

“That’s why I went out and splurged on this beautiful Christmas card. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,” Nana read. She beamed at all of us.  

Then, Nana opened my present — a humble bottle of Oil of Olay, which, of course, she fussed over.

Nana passed away shortly after this unforgettable Christmas when my brother upstaged us all in the gift giving department. She died of throat cancer, after having endured weeks of radiation treatment that didn’t work.

What I wouldn’t give to sit down with Nana and have a beer and talk about current events, something she loved to do. She could tell me all the people in the news that day, and I could pretend that I hadn’t heard the gossip and the stories of the moment.

Christmas 2017 is nearing. Today, I’m raising my own child. I know a little about sacrifice, but nothing like Nana, who also lived during the Depression, knew.

I can only hope to be as bright of a beacon of light for my family that she was for hers during the holidays and throughout the year.

Merry Christmas, Nana. And thank you for showing us how to give.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/12/03/christmas-with-nana-the-joys-of-giving-and-giving-back/

[askyfullofcolour-blog]

I'm lost

It's been awhile and I think everything is catching up. I had 12 deaths last year, a breakup, lost my mental health support system, had a car accident, 3 friend break downs and absolutely lost who I was. I decided to distance myself from a whole heap of people and realised that Katie and Mylie were the only friends that I really had time for, apart from work and the ones on the Sunshine Coast and Brisbane who I would see when I go down. This year I thought would be different, my support worker business for kids with special needs was booming and so many parents wanted me to look after their kids. I couldn't keep up. I had dreams of starting an organisation and I had dreams of being someone. Someone to make a difference. That's all I wanted. January I got news another friend took his life, my client lost her battle with cancer and I started working for a very stressful client. February came, I was attacked in a dv situation at work and spiralled down hill. The attack took me back to my relationship with Mia and I couldn't remember everything that happened in the attack. I packed up the mother and 4 kids and brought them to my house. I couldn't take my uniform off, I couldn't stop being in work mode because I literally bought work home. The next week my favourite teacher died. The teacher who believed in me, gave me straight A's even if I didn't do the work, offered to help me to buy a car, learn to drive, anything I needed. One who believed in me. Between him, Gabby and Margaret I graduated. I don't know what I would have done with out him. He didn't deserve what happened. He deserves so much more, but to hear him say 'ohana' in his eulogy, I knew he was talking to me. Kim moved up from nsw and moved in with me for a few weeks before venturing off into her own place. Now she doesn't speak to me. Awfully fun. March was the funeral for Glassock, my 23rd and being fired from difficult dv client. I ended up in hospital a few times, I got really sick and lost 11kg in a matter of days. I was accused of child abuse and my name was spread to clients and future clients causing me to lose $1200 per fortnight in wages. I was given a letter of eviction from my real estate to move after I breached them for neglect. 6 days to move just wasn't fair. But between my partner at the time, great friends and great clients I did it. Still waiting for the $5000 reimbursement to come soon. Thank god. I started seeing Kris and from day dot knew it wasn't right but I so desperately needed something to keep me together because I knew death anniversaries were coming up, I refused to grieve over Glassock, Rhys or Patricia. Kris smoked a lot of pot, was unemployed, 36, emotionally unstable, was known by police and had had no care of stealing. Everything that should have deterred me but didn't. What's new? Kris was a Dom, taught me a lot about being a sub and a lot that I, looking back in now know I shouldn't have had to deal with. I swore I'd never be in another abusive relationship and I was. I swore I would never be with someone who cheated on me and I was. I did it all over again. Forgave, put up with and even helped her get her 'fix' which was something I never thought I'd do. I had to have her leave my apartment after I had her in recording that she would bash me and then rape me. I had to leave as I was scared of what would happen if I stayed. Good work cass, you can pick them. Not dealing of everything that happened in the last month I cried over her leaving and even tried getting back with her. Drove down to see her and realised I could leave and detach myself. She was still in love with her ex and I was drowning myself, let alone have someone pushing me down further. April came and I'd been with 3 new clients now for some time. We took on the contract for the pub and Katie and I soon started doing it 3 times a week. I like it. I took on a new client with a non verbal non hearing almost 3 year old and absolutely fell in love with the parents. The father works away from home, mother part time work but both an amazing sense of humour. Little one has seizures and I really wasn't ready when the first one happened. No first aid, no cpr prepares you for that. In march going into April I made a friend in Canada. I professional Dom, someone who was incredibly funny, understanding and had a degree in psychology. We talked for hours every day. Lost sleep so I could stay up and talk. Anyone who knows me knows I struggle with bpd and one thing that comes with that is I can't figure out feelings when I make a new friend. Is it just friendship or is it more than that. I've had it with every single person I get close to. We both discovered we had feelings for each other, both planned visits, had goals. Crystal was another image of me who understood and loved everything I did. Too good to be true? Correct. Yep found out yesterday she's engaged to be married to someone she told me she had ended things with a while before. Who did she blame? Me. I didn't understand, I don't listen, I don't care. Yep no worries mate. I've been the other woman before and I won't do that. Middle of April I decided to message Jane and call off my law suit. I decided that I was hurting too much and that law suit was causing a lot of that pain. I needed to let that go and explain that the memories I had were great and I couldn't continue. I received a message I in a million years didn't expect. 2 days after I was booked into see my psychologist, I hadn't seen her in 2 years, I had so many things that I needed to see her about. Medical, deaths, personal. I saw my doctor, had 4 needles, blood tests, booked for ct, ultra sounds, biopsies and was referred to a neurologist and neurosurgeon and booked in to see a specialist to talk about options for a hysterectomy. I drove down to my psychologist mentally preparing myself, I hadn't slept the night before and I was exhausted. Kris was begging me to stay and that day just was shit. I walked into my psychologists office and had a frog in my throat. I wanted to run, I needed this though. I told the receptionist that I was here to see Jen. To which she replied 'I'm so sorry, she's sick today' 3.5 hours driving down to see her, making sure I had the $180 to see her. She wasn't available. I didn't think. I got in my car with tears streaming down my face. I drove to pc. 8% on my phone, that didn't matter. I climbed over the fence and sat on the edge. The edge of the cliff face hoping the wind would be enough to make me fall. My legs were jelly and wouldn't move. I sat there with my eyes closed just hearing the waves crash against the rocks below. I so wanted to be off that ledge, I wanted to go home. I don't know how I got off that ledge. I don't know how I got back in my car. I don't know how I got back in my apartment. Because I so badly wanted to be in the arms of everyone who had left. I had rebooked my doctors, psychologist and specialist appointment and I just needed to get through until then. May came around. I hate this month, everything about it. 19th was Daniels anniversary, 20th would have been a year for Mia and I being together, 26th is peters anniversary, 30th is Kendall's birthday. Then going into June 6th is 12 months since Maddie died, 7th is mums bitthday, 9th nanas, 11th, 2.5 years since hope died and 13th kirsti's birthday. So many important dates and so much I just don't wanna deal with. I managed to fracture my coccyx with no idea how. My work slipped and I just wasn't able to bring in as much as I need to. Mother's Day I came down with the death flu that with my period the worst it's ever been, nerve pain and a fractured coccyx was the worst timing. I'm still sick. I continued to work through but I was always exhausted but lucky I had understanding clients and pushed through. I'm lost. I don't understand death, I don't understand how I thought finding my family would mean my whole life would change, I thought that I would fix everything. I know that I have to see my psychologist and grasp this but I'm lost. I literally sat crying on Daniels anniversary saying to Katie I only want to talk to Jane. Crystal spat chips. It's not because I'm In love with Jane but she went through a lot with me. Her and Kyron understood how my brain worked. I'm sick of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain. I never thought I'd self harm as hard as I have again. Burning my legs with acid, pouring acid on cuts. They're not deep but enough to hurt when acid is poured on an open wound. When did this all go so wrong?. When did this get this bad? I need to get back on top of things. Really really need to get back. Otherwise I will end up dead and I haven't made up my mind of if that's what I want. Hoping I can get some sleep with no nightmares with trunks. I'm out.